Stim days 11-13 and monitoring #3 & #4 results

I got to see my ovaries twice in the last 3 days :)
Thank goodness they are making progress still.
Slow progress, but at least it's something.

Saturday's appointment (monitoring visit #3 | 3/28/15)
Endometrial lining- 10
L: 10, 6
R: 13, 11, 11, 10, 10, 9, 9
e2- 1255

 Dr said he wants me to continue stimming for a couple more days. Had to buy $640 worth of medicine since they didn't expect me to last this long without overstimming and I already ran out of my last batch. 

~ {begin rant} ~

Nurse made the comment, " At least the next time you do this, we'll know to start you off at a higher dose from the start. "

1. There won't be a next time because I will never have another 15k to drop on infertility. 

2. Do you not have any hope of this working for us on the the first try? Thanks for the positive vibes.)

Nurse then added, "we just couldn't have predicted that your body wouldn't react like every other normal 27 year old." 

(this was the point at which I almost lost it.)

 I already wanted to cry after learning my lack of response to the meds and now having to fork out additional money, unexpectedly, but now you're openly criticizing me for not being like every other NORMAL 27 year old?

NO SHIT! If I were like every other normal 27 year old, I would have an 8 year old as a result of prom night. Or 5 year old as a result of a hot, drunken 4th of July night in the spare bedroom at a party. Or a 3 year old as a result of the trying to get pregnant after finally having our finances in order and a home to call our own.

Funny, how we decided to wait and be repsonsible adults when it came to bringing a child into the world. I have to wonder every now and then if we would have just had a kid randomly, if we'd be parents to a living, breathing child by now instead of 3 precious little angels. 

~ {End Rant} ~

Staying with 2 Menopurs, 4 Bravelles at night and 1 Cetrotide in the morning.
Next appointment set for Monday morning.

Monday's appointment  (monitoring visit #4 | 3/30/15)
Endometrial lining- [still at] 10
L: 13, 6   [about 5 others also, but didn't measure since they were all very small.]
R: 15, 15, 14, 14, 13, 12, 11
e2-  1695
Dr wants me to stim tonight and have me back tomorrow for another ultrasound and more blood work. He said, "we're almost there. You should be able to trigger tomorrow."
I really hope so. I'm not sure how much more medicine I can afford to purchase.
I guess he wants those few  < 15mm follicles to catch up in size a little bit. Tomorrow we're hoping that everyone will be 1mm greater than they were this morning and then we'll trigger for an egg retrieval on Thursday. By ER day, they want all of them to be 15-20, with 18 being the magical number.
As sad as I am that my left ovary decided not to join the party, I'm glad it produced 1 good follicle for us. For all I know, that one contains my future kid. 

Here are two pictures of the right ovary- a view from the front and the back

We got a bleeder. (Stims day 10)

I'm not 100% of what the hell happened this morning but I'm pretty sure this is what it looks like when you hit blood vessel.

So..... this is how babies are made. All this time I though alcohol was to blame.

Not feeling much different than yesterday other than the "pressure" I felt yesterday is maybe just ever so slightly greater today. I mainly only feel it when using the restroom.

I was thinking about how I don't feel even remotely close to the way most girls explain feeling at this point in the process. Almost everyone talks of how much discomfort they're in by day 6-7 and how much pain they're in by day 8-9. They also describe the symptomatic bloating, headaches, and trouble getting comfortable which I've haven't experienced at all. 

Is it because I'm not producing as many eggs as they did?

Are my estrogen levels not rising properly?

Are my follicles not growing?

Just when I was about to step into a funk that I wouldn't soon get myself out of, it hit me:

I had ZERO pain with my first ectopic (only minor discomfort at times) and only 1 day of pain with my second ectopic which subsided to only minor discomfort as well. Normally when there is a fetus growing in a fallopian tube, the patient is in excruciating pain.. Like 'kill me now and get it over with' pain. Or, at least that's how the doctors described it to me.
That's how I received my title of being an "A-Typical patient."

So the point of all of this being: maybe I'm just not going to feel all the typical "feels" that others go through and I'm just worrying about nothing. 

I certainly feel more now with the increased dose of bravelle than I did before, so that's got to be a good sign of progression, right?

I called earlier and left a message for the nurse to call me back with my E2 (estrogen) levels so I can at least stop worrying about that. Hopefully it doesn't make me worry more. 

Lastly, the nightly shots suck now. I'm not sure if it's just my belly being sore from all of the needles entering it, or if it's the increased medication going in at one time, but it fucking hurts. It's gotten so  bad that I can barely even inject it in by myself. The needle doesn't hurt at all, but the meds are the devil.

I may have Bear administer the last couple for me..

Weight-110.6
2 Vials of Menopur (150IU) pm
4 Vials of Bravelle (300IU) pm
Cetrotide (0.25mg) am
**updated: E2 level- 460 **

Also, you'll be happy to know that I ate taco's last night for dinner.
Take that, Frugality.

~  Boom.  ~

Update: Just heard back from the nurse, our E2 level is 460!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's a doubling rate of  about 37.5 hours.  Ideally you want your levels doubling every about 48 hours. Too quick, can mean OHSS is likely, to slowly, can mean that your eggs won't be mature enough to retrieve. I asked the nurse if she thought this number was acceptable and she said it was "perfect."

MY number is PERFECT y'all!!

yep...

In unrelated news.
I'm currently living off of almond butter sandwiches, BBQ chips, water, and cheap dinners that I can make that will feed us for 3-4 days straight.

FUCK THIS.

I want tacos..

It might be sunday morning but at least there's music playing. (Stim day 9)

Again, with the Sunday morning reference. That's basically how it still feels in my pelvis with only a slight noticeable discomfort when I sit. It feels like every other month around the time that I ovulate: pressure in the butt/pelvic region and increased... um...
libido.
(sorry parents, if you're reading this.)
Unfortunately, scoring is off the table anyway. With the amount of pressure going on in there, I can't imagine it would be worth it.
So here's to another week of abstinence.

~ Yay ~

 I feel like things might be picking up a little in my pelvis today, but it remains to be seen. For the most part I still feel relatively normal except for when I sit, or use the bathroom. Part of me is like, "yaaaay! My little follies are growing and the dosage increase worked!" But part of me is like, "fuck. It's only getting worse from here."
In the meantime,  I'm going to try not to obsess over all of these feelings and also not pick apart every single little belly cramp. I want only postive vibes for next appointment. My goal is to enjoy IVF as much as possible since I won't ever have the chance to experience it again.

Speaking of enjoyment, I realized today that IVF is a lot like pregnancy as far as having the fun sucked out of life. For instance, you can't smoke, drink, excerise, eat a rare steak, or bang.

~ Kind of ironic, that one last one, seeing how I'm trying to get knocked up and all. ~

Summary:
Weight-110.6
2 Vials of Menopur (150IU) pm
4 Vials of Bravelle (300IU) pm
Cetrotide (0.25mg) am
(which is now up to a total of $400/day in shots)

Easy like Sunday morning on day 8 of stims.

Actually its Wednesday morning.. But really who's keeping track?

We had our monitoring visit earlier.. which went "ehh."
I had much higher expectations of myself, so I was a little let down when we left, but my doctor felt 100% confident and tried very hard to instill that within me which I fully acknowledge and commend him for his efforts.
Here's the findings.
Endometrial lining- 7.2mm (only needs to be 7mm for successful embryo implantation) I was kind of shocked to see it that thick since I've been spotting off and on for a week now. So that's excellent news. The doctor was proud and happy with this number which will continue to rise as my estrogen increases.
L: 7mm, 6mm
R: 10mm, 9mm, 8mm, 7mm, 6mm, 6mm
(They need to be around 15mm for Trigger shot and 18-24mm for retrieval)
apparently there are two follicles missing from my left side that were there at the last appointment and were not there today but my ovaries were playing extremely hard to get for some reason, so maybe the other two follies were hiding.
A decent increase from Sunday but not as large as I was expecting and definitely not as many I was was hoping to see. In the beginning, especially when everyone was concerned with OHSS, I thought I'd have at least 10-12 follicles one EACH ovary. So to only have a total of about 10-12 :(  that number makes me really sad.
But as I said before, my ovaries were very hard to find and get a full glimpse of, so maybe there are actually quite a few more that we just aren't seeing. Plus, there were others that were there on the ultrasound screen that he didn't measure because they were still small, so hopefully those will catch up.
In other news, the doctor decided to up our dose of Bravelle from 2 vials to 4 every night and continue only taking 2 vials of the Menopur. That should wake things up in there and get the lazy little bitches out of their Sunday morning attire and ready for their Friday night at the club.. I want to see a full on riot in there at our next appointment on Saturday morning!

Summary:
Weight- n/a
E2- decided not ask to lessen my stress.
L: 7mm, 6mm
R: 10mm, 9mm, 8mm, 7mm, 6mm, 6mm
2 Vials of Menopur (150IU) pm
4 Vials of Bravelle (300IU) pm
Cetrotide (0.25mg) am

Stim day 7.

First of all. How has it been 7 days already?!
Am I the only girl in the world who doesn't want IVF to end?
Seriously though.
I feel like I spent all of this money on it and  I just want to enjoy it for as long as possible. I don't even mind giving myself the injections. Believe it or not, I actually kind of like them. I think I like productiveness of it. Up until this point we were unknowingly fighting a loosing battle. But now that we are [somewhat] in control, I don't want this feeling to end.

~   .... And I secretly like pretending to be a nurse every night.   ~

So this morning was the first Cetrotide shot.

I noticed that the needle it a bit bigger than the one I've gotten use to, so that caught me off guard. Also, being that is was only 5:30am when I did it, I wasn't quite awake enough and made the rookie mistake of not pushing the excess air out first and unfortunately didn't realize it until after I'd already jabbed myself.. I'm pretty sure once you use a needle, you aren't suppose to re-insert it so I looked around at my needle stash to change it and that's when I noticed the size difference. I wasn't sure if it was bigger for any certain reason or not so I just wiped the skin down really well with an fresh alcohol pad, plunged the excess air out, and then injected again. 

~   I'm sure I won't drop dead.. and at least if I do, I've left this blog so everyone will eventually know what happened..   ~

Almost immediately after removing the needle I started to feel a little itchy around the injection site. I thought nothing of it.. maybe bigger needles do that to you(?) The entire way to work I noticed it was pretty itchy too so as soon as I got back to my office I lifted my shirt to see what was going on and this is what I found.  Aside from the rash, my side effects are the same with the addition of constipation. And I can REALLY feel my ovaries today. :)

I remembered reading some things online about a certain shot that left an itchy, red rash for 12-24 hours after injecting it and apparently Cetrotide/Ganirelix is it.

~   Lovely...  ~

Summary:

2 vials of Bravelle (150IU)

2 vials of Menopur (150IU)

Cetrotide (0.25mg)

Weight 110.4

Stims days 4-6, I'm feelin it!

Not much to report about  for stim days 4 and 5 (Saturday & Sunday) as far as side effects are concerned. I definitely felt "hormonal" all weekend and cried at the dumbest things, but aside from that, I didn't feel much different. As a matter of fact, I cried both days about the fact that I didn't feel anything yet, and I was so worried that the doctor wouldn't find anything going on in my ovaries at all.
So moving on to my appointment Sunday morning...
WE HAVE FOLLICLES!!!!!!!!!
He measured about 5 on my left and 5 on the right. I saw about 7 or 8 on the right but he only measured the bigger ones.
Most of my follicles were about 4mm with a couple at 5mm and 6mm.
I did some research on this and found that, especially in the beginning, the follicles grow at a rate of approximately 1mm a day. Once you get about half way through stims they start growing around 2mm a day but can grow as many as 4mm in one day!! The doc was happy with this progress so I was too. I expected to see way more, but he said that along with the growth in size, we should also see a growth in quantity as well at our next appointment on stim day 8, Wednesday.

With the arrival of Monday, Stim day 6, came the onset of a few side effects.
1. Sleepiness/Tiredness. This one actually started the first or second day of stims but only late at night. Me being an insomniac, noticed right away how easy it was to fall asleep and stay asleep all night. The fatigue really hit me though starting yesterday afternoon when I got done running errands and getting a pedi with my Mom. I just figured that I was tired from my busy morning but by 3pm I was PASSED out on the couch. And it's only 11am right now and already I can't wait for bed.

2. Back pain/crampy/twinges. With that being said, I'm extremely grateful to not be experiencing any bloat yet whatsoever. The back pain feels like normal PMS back pain but it isn't constant and kind of the same with the cramps. The twinges feel exactly like ovulation type twinges so I'm anxious to start my cetrotide tomorrow morning.

3. Awareness of the oves. I can really feel them now. It feels very similar to the couple of days around the time that I ovulate except that I feel it on both sides instead of just one. I'm more aware of them when walking than sitting which I fully expect to get worse as time goes on.

I've been drinking around 72+ ounces of water a day since starting stims so hopefully that will help with the bloat. I know that you don't have to worry too much about OHSS until after the ER but maybe staying as hydrated as possible during the medication process will help prevent it altogether.

Summary:
2 vials of Menopur (total 150IU)
2 vials of Bravelle (total 150IU)
L- 5 or 6 around 4mm
R- 7 or 8 between 4mm and 6mm
E2 levels- 121
Weight- 110.4

Stim night 2/ day 3, no more dizzies!

The second night of stims (yesterday) went off without a hitch. While Barry was in the shower last night, I got myself and my injection all ready to go at the dining room table. I was much calmer and stronger last night and didn't hesitate at all about sticking myself. I pushed the needle right in and barely felt anything however the medicine going in hurt a lot worse last night than the first night. Not sure if it was just the adrenaline the first night or the placement of the needle, but last night definitely sucked a lot worse. Even after I ejected the needle and got everything all cleaned up, it still hurt for about another 10-15 minutes and today the injection site hurts a lot worse than the other.

I didn't have anymore dizziness like I did the first night and I feel fine today as well (stim day3) so we'll how it goes. I do feel different but not bad. It's kind of hard to explain. I don't feel it in my ovaries yet, I just feel like I'm taking a low dose narcotic pain medicine or something. Not "messed up" but definitely not "right" either. I'm certainly not a fan of this feeling (which is why I don't like taking those kinds of drugs after surgery and such) but I'll take it over dizziness any day.

Summary:
2 vials of Menopur (total 150IU)
2 vials of Bravelle (total 150IU)
weight- 109.8

Stim Day 1, success!

I did it. I gave myself my very first injection last night.
After watching countless videos, some professional and some home-made, I figured I'd go into it strong and really "wow" the socks right off of my husband's perfect little feet. But here's how it really went down.
I got off at 5 and had to sit around until 6:30 waiting for him to get home. And by sit around, I really mean pace the floor 40 dozen times. By 7:15 I started mixing the drugs, which by the way, is NOT as easy as the nurse made it look during her demonstration at our last appointment. I had a total of 4 bottles to mix; needless to say, I became a pro by the last bottle. I lifted my shirt, exposing the lower right side of my pelvic region, approximately 2 inches below and away from my belly button. I then pinched a flab of skin in my left hand and readied the needle in my right. And then.... 

(drum roll please)

...I couldn't do it. 
I looked at Bear and told him how I had planned this moment so much differently in my head all day. I just really wanted to make him proud of me. He looked at me with a reassuring smile and said, "I am proud of you, you got this!"
With a couple more practice jabs, it was in.
"I did it. I fucking did it!"
I barely felt the needle go in at all. I felt it break the skin but after that I felt nothing. That is, until I pushed down on the plunger. The medicine really burns but not nearly as bad as what some women were saying online. For that, I was grateful. You definitely feel all of it going in though so luckily it's just 1cc so it only takes about 10 seconds or so.
Afterwards I didn't feel much different. We went to bed around 10 but at 12 I woke up to some really odd feelings and dreams. I was dreaming that I was super messed up. Like 110% inebriated. The feeling in my dream reminded me of how you feel waking up after surgery. Like completely messed up on medicine and still out of it from the anesthesia. When I woke up to roll over though, I was (I think) actually feeling that way in real life. Maybe not quite to the degree I was in my dream but I did feel messed up and kind of dizzy and sick to my stomach. Bear thinks I could have just been half asleep still.  I was also hot and cold ALL night. I'm not sure if any of this had to do with the injection or not, but I'm betting that it might have.
.
This morning I felt fine. No headaches, not any more tired than I usually am at 5:30am, and no bloat. I am crampy but I think it's because I'm spotting.


I'm going to watch my weight during and after stims as to record any fluid retention. I'm reaaaallllllyyyyyyyy hoping not to have to go do down the OHSS road.
 Weight: 110.2

Update:

10.27am on Stim day two (even though I've only had 1 shot so far) and I have a very minor headache, mild dizziness, and diarrhea.

I just learned that Menopur could be the culprit to all of these including the dizziness.. Also learned that all of these side effects  should diminish after my body has had a few days to adjust to the meds. [hopefully..]
Honestly, I can deal with everything (yes, even the gross 'D' word) but hopefully the dizziness is the first to subside. I hate feeling like something isn't right.

Summary-
2 vials of Menopur (total 150IU)
2 vials of Bravelle (total 150IU)
Weight- 110.2

2 more days until IVF Start date!

Never thought I'd be so happy for it to be Monday. In 2 days we'll start our injection meds!!!

Today I realized that at our appointment tomorrow morning, we have to pay for everything and I haven't even taken care of the finances yet!!! SOOOO Unlike me! So I ran home to collect our secret stash of money that we've been collecting for the last 7 months or so and deposited it into the bank to add to the rest of our savings. 
Nothing like waiting until the last minute. 
I feel like my brain is busy calculating and comprehending at least 20 different thoughts at any given moment while trying to store very imports tasks that have to be done by certain times and cannot be forgotten. 
I feel pukey about the amount of money we will spending tomorrow. (Literally our entire savings)
I'm scared that IVF won't work. 
I'm scared that IVF actually might work. 
I'm nervous about my white coat syndrome and the amount of doctor appointments I have to look forward to over the next 2 months, and even more if we achieve an actually pregnancy. 
But above all I feel in control. Which is ironic, because control is not even on the list of things I currently own right now. Really, my doctors and ovaries are the only ones in control.. But with this being the first time that things could possible go right for once, I feel in control. I at least feel good knowing that my bullshit tubes aren't the boss.

Last Friday after work I went to Target for:
Bandaids. (which I have an assorted collection of about 200, but I wanted some Minion ones!)
Sweatpants. (but didn't find any cute enough. )
Digital Scale.  (To keep an eye out for OHSS -related fluid retention.)
Gatorade G2. (Because EVERY person online says to drink it to prevent OHSS & bloat. Not that I believe it will actually work, but we'll soon found out.
Coconut water. (also for OHSS and bloat prevention. Which I learned tastes like fucking toilet water.. But since I bought about 96oz of this shit, I'll try to at least mix it with something else.  That stuff isn't cheap.)

And that's about all I've been up to!
I'll check back in tomorrow after our appointment to let you know what the total cost is, the findings of Barry's semen analysis, and whether or not we'll need ICSI. And of course the infamous IVF meds haul picture!!! The only things left to pick up are antibiotics and Estradiol which I'm picking up tonight from Publix, and the Bravelle and Menopur which I'll pick up tomorrow at our appointment! :)))

The Cost Infertility.

We are officially less than 1 week away from starting injections!
I take my last birth control pill tomorrow , will hopefully start my new cycle by Monday, see Dr. Reproductive on Tuesday morning to sign consent forms and go over drug mixing and administering, and then start with the nightly pokes Wednesday, March 18th.

The HSG|Sono|Mock Transfer wasn't as bad as my HSG at the hospital a few years ago. It definitely hurt just as bad but it was over in less than 5 minutes, whereas the one last time took around 15 minutes or so. The Dr said [and I quote] "Everything looks beautiful."

**Gasp**
Did he just say everything looks beautiful? Just to clarify I asked him if he saw any cysts or anything?
"Nope! Why? Do you want some?"
[giggle-giggle-giggle]

Enter leaking faucets.. I don't know if it was all of the emotions and anxiety of that morning welling up in my eyes and trickling down my cheeks, or the pain from the procedure, or hearing that my insides were "beautiful" as opposed to "fucked" like I'm use to hearing; maybe it was a mix of everything. After the doctor left the room I tried, succsessfully, to hold it together in front of Barry as I didn't want to loose it in front of anyone just yet. I thought it better to save those tears for a more meaningful moment, not a hormone induced one.  

After the procedure was complete, we were shown across the hall to see Mrs. Financial to go over costs.
IVF w/ ICSI (assuming we need ICSI) will cost $8400.
+ Menopur & Bravelle = approx $1350
+ Cetrotide = $600
+ Crinone =  approx $1100
+ Estradiol = $130

approx total = $11,580
How will I ever tell my child that we spent their entire college fund on conceiving them?

Anyways, yesterday it was Barry's turn to do work. And by work, I mean arrive at 7am to the doctors office, sit in a tiny, quiet little room, and leave a semen sample.
I'll spare the internet of all the juicy details to which I inquired on later that evening during dinner, but just know this: I will be getting a picture of said tiny room the next time Barry has to occupy it and add it to the IVF picture album. I may even make it the cover photo.

With that being said......