6 months and 8 cycles later...

          We are going to stop trying to conceive. My period wasn't due until 3/1, this Saturday. Unfortunately, it came a whopping 7 days early on 2/23. I began spotting last Friday a couple of hours before we left to go camping. By midnight, I knew that cycle was over. According to my Fertility Friend chart, I didn't even ovulate last cycle. Perhaps my body was like, "well, we didn't O, so lets just move on and not make her wait the full 2 weeks." which is why I started so early. Or maybe all the wives tales had a total opposite effect on me.
     Wives tale #1 - Drink green tea from cycle day 1 until you ovulate to increase cervical mucus. I never had a problem with small amounts to begin with, but I figured more couldn't hurt so I drank the green tea. It dried me up like the fucking desert. Seriously, it was crazy.
     Wives tale #2 - Drink Pomegranate juice to increase the thickness of your uterine lining. I know this one worked because I have had all heavy days including today which is day 5. The way it's looking, I don't know when this will be over with.
     Wives tale #3 - Divide the core of a pineapple into 5 equal pieces. Eat one section a day for five days after confirmed ovulation to aid in implantion. Pineapple contains Bromelain which is suppose to be a natural blood thinner and  is what helps with implantation. However the core of the pineapple contains the highest concentration, which is why it is said to only eat the core.  To much of this can cause uterine contractions though, so it's important not to intake too much. Perhaps the fact that I was eating the core and the yummy meat was the reason for my early period. Maybe that was just way too much bromelain for my tiny little self to handle. I honestly didn't know until after the fact that you shouldn't eat both the core and the meat. But seriously, the meat is amazing!! I wasn't just going to throw it out! 
          Before that cycle even started I wanted it to be over with because I was tired of trying. I wanted my old life back. So the end of that cycle was by far the easiest of them all, although it was a little upsetting to know that TTC is seriously over- for a while atleast.
I can't say for how long.
          On one hand, I want to at least keep temping so I know my body is doing what it is suppose to be doing. What if I start to not Ovulate anymore? How am I going to know that if I don't temp? If there are problems with my fertility, they need to be addressed. If in another few months, we aren't knocked up, how will I approach my doctor with my concerns if I have no proof that we've been trying to conceive for a year?
         But on the other hand, I'm done with this shit. I'm tired of thinking about it. Dwelling over it.
Obsessing about it. It has become me. Consumed me. And I'm just completely done.
I want to wash my hands completely clean of TTC and move on with my life.
        Hopefully I am able to do that. I have caught myself a few times already, analyzing cramps and counting in my head when I'm suppose to O since I won't allow myself back onto Fertility Friend to find out. I think when you get so far in to the lifestyle, you just become It. I wasn't  even temping for a full 2 months and it's still weird waking up and not sticking the thermometer in my mouth. And not coming into work and hoping on my FF and TheBump.com. It's a hard thing to ignore when you still want it just as bad in your heart, but your mind and body are just fully over it. We will see what happens during the next few months.

 Until then, I will still update the blog once or twice a week. 

This is not   'goodbye,'   it's   'see ya later.'

Gold Head Grandiose

T-minus 3 day until our camping trip. This weekend is going to be epic.
Bear and I are camping with my Dad, Step-Mom, and close friends of the family from Friday until Sunday out in Keystone Heights. I am beside myself!! I can't freaking wait!! Here is how I envision things going down:
Friday- Getting to work by 6am. Leaving work around lunch time and dropping my dog off at the Vet to be boarded for the weekend. Coming home, showering, getting the truck packed up and heading down to the cabins. Eating hotdogs and hamburgers upon arrival. Drinking and dancing around the fire all night.  Laughing until my insides hurts because that's how it always is with the group of people I am camping with. Falling asleep with Bear on the pullout couch.
Saturday- waking up sore from all of the laughing. Dragging myself to the shower and getting decent since I have to. Eating some of Mark's delicious breakfast. Sitting around and watching the boys toss the football back and forth.  Talking to the girls about JCcrew, babies, and music. Eating lunch. Going for a bike ride- drink in hand. Eating dinner. Repeat of the night before.
Sunday- Waking up unable to speak from the all of the hootin and hollarin the night before. Eating more of Mark's delicious breakfast food.. Packing up. Going home. Sitting on my couch in my underwear with Bear, watching tv all day.
Like I said...... Epic.

25.. Holy Shit

I just realized that on this day next month, I will turn 25 years old. That is insane. 

Also, I peed on a stick this morning and look what happened:

* Schwing *

I know... Crazy right?






Do you know what time it is?

It's Sexy Time Ya'll!

Also, my coworker called in sick today. 

Sweet! Happy fucking Friday to me!! 

I was all, "oh yea!  Oh yea!!  uh huhh!  It's my birthday!!"

So yea.. That's that. Not much in the mood to talk about TTC today. Frankly, I don't even feel like thinking about it.. Ever again. (wishful thinking) 

I will be so happy when this month is over and we get to stop trying and proceed with life.

Happy Friday bitches.

One more before we cut all ties

I decided for us that we would give this one more try and then just stop everything all together. Lucky for me, he agreed.
We are going all out this month with opks, temping, pom juice, green tea, and pineapple core. The only thing I'm not doing are pnv. I quit taking them. No real reason, I just missed a night, then another night and now it's habitual. I just keep forgetting to take them. So I figured I'd just go the rest of the month without them. Barry is drinking the Pom Wonderful with me because I heard they are good for his swimmers.
We'll see.
I'm not getting my hopes up about this month though. Frankly, I wanted to just give up this month instead of next, but I figured I'd give it one more go and use some of the tricks others have used successfully before I quit. I sort of can't wait for this month to be over with. I'm sure some part really deep within in me is excited to POAS again, but I had such a fucking let down last month that I don't even want to think about the joys of being hopeful.
Maybe when things return to the norm, it will happen for us. That's when it happened the first time I got knocked up. We tried on a whim. And BOOM! Two weeks later I got a + pregnancy test.
I guess everyone is right, it will happen when it's suppose to.
I can't force it like I do with everything else I want.

A TTC Milestone

I think, I reached a TTC milestone today. After learning today was cycle day 1, I didn't cry. It was the first time in 5 months that I didn't bawl my eyes out. Instead, I felt anger. Just an unexplainable umbrage. I felt an implosion of pure, passionate rage on the horizon but I swallowed it and continued getting ready for work. I could tell Barry was noticing my ill tempered attitude while we were making lunch in the kitchen together. I told him what was going on and he scooped me up and held my entire self in his arms. It was as if he had the wings of a bird and wrapped me all the way up. It was warm and I was content. I was safe from my emotions. My PMS was at bay for the moment and all was right with the world.
..........The ride to work was like a slow creep back into reality.
I guess I'm angry because I don't want to experience anymore of these "milestones." I just want it to be my turn already.

Why is my body betraying me?

This is Bullshit. Why the fuck is everyone pregnant right now but me? They didn't even try. They weren't even planning. They didn't already have an entire nursery theme picked out, or a birth plan and a hospital. It's not fucking fair.
(These are all of the awful things my brain is coming up with right now.)
I always knew it wouldn't happen for us. I always had a feeling in the back of mind. Since I was little, I've never imagined myself pregnant. I physically can't picture it. Therefore, it probably won't ever happen. It's just not meant to be.
I told Barry this morning that it's like having a job and working your ass off every day for 26 days and then at the end of the 26 days not getting paid. It isn't fair at all. I work so fucking hard for this. I keep track of everything my body goes through on a daily basis. Twice a day. I check CM.. AT WORK! Is it something I enjoy? NO. it's fucking awkward. And apprently its a waste of time. All of this is a big fucking waste of time.
I think I will give this another month and then we'll just stop trying. I mean really stop. Like, not even so much as thinking about it. Stop wanting it and all. The full nine yards. I can't keep putting myself through this. It's too much. I can't give something my all every day, month after month, and get nothing in return.
It's draining all of the happiness from me. I don't even feel alive anymore. I eat, sleep, and breath, to conceive. My brain is spinning. And the sex is going, going, almost gone as well.
This isn't what I wanted for us. This isn't the married life I'd envisioned. I'm twenty fucking four years old.
WTF?
Sometimes I'm in disbeielf of what I have. I have the most loving and caring person loving me back and taking care of me day after day. The cutest dog ever that people are actually jealous of. Two brand new vehicles in the driveway. A house that isn't huge, but it's ours and we live in it together. A job that pays well and treats me even better. And a few close friends that I would do anything for.
What more do I need?
That one tiny, screaming, shitting, smelly, adorable, giggling missing link in the chain.
If a family is a puzzle, he/she would be the missing piece.
Maybe Bentley ate it.
Lord, Is it because I smoke and drink? Am I unfit because I get mad easily sometimes? Do I have responsibility issues that need to be addressed first? Am I unfit for other reasons? Is it patience? Or lack thereof? Patience is a virtue. It's something one can't learn overnight.
Please just tell me what it is so I can work on it and fix it and move forward.

Why wasn't I warned that this was going to be hard?
And that is doesn't work out if you want it to.

I suppose I should  count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

F u c k.

... FUCK cycle day 1. 

Refraining

Well, for the first time in 7 days, I woke up and decided not to test. I figured Mondays are rough enough, why add to it? I thought for sure it would drive me crazy, kind of like waking up and going without a cigarette for the first time, but it wasn't bad at all. I've actually felt great all morning. I think I may ask Barry to hide them from me next cycle and just not plan on testing unless I miss my period.
Speaking of period.
AF is suppose to be here tomorrow. About 97% of the time, I start first thing in the morning when I use to restroom. So if that doesn't happen tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably take a test with me to work and test with SMU.
Strangely, aside from the cramps, I have no AF symptoms at all.
I have an increased amount of CM which I've never noticed as an AF symptom before, however, I do remember having a lot the last time I was pregnant.
So.... who knows.
Last Friday I tested and there was nothing there. Just stark white.
Saturday I tested and Barry and I both saw the faintest little shadowy line.
Sunday (yesterday)  I tested and it was the same.
I'm not sure if it's a just a weird batch of tests or if this could be something. But yesterday after I tested, I was really upset. I figured since we both saw a glimpse of a line, I would wake up to a slightly darker line and when I didn't I was confused and angry. I guess that's why I didn't test today. After seeing 7 BFN's for 7 straight days, it was refreshing just waking up and not worrying about it. I will keep you posted as to what happens next.