Also, I deleted my facebook account to today. Apparently, I'm back on the kick of being sad at my friends good news of becoming pregnant. Horribly, deeply, and uncontrollably sad. So sad in fact, that my body hurts. My throat feels like it's bulging, my head feels tight, my whole fucking body is sore. I hurt every where. I can literally feel my heart breaking.
Please, someone tell me how it's possible to feel so strong, so in control one day, and completely falling to pieces the next. I feel vulnerable. I hate this so much.
I want to forget about all of this. I want to not want to be pregnant anymore. I want to look at children as if they are a dime a dozen like I did before all of this.
I want to stop all of this.
I feel like it's all such non-sense. Like, "why are you so upset about this? Just let it go."
I wish it were that easy.
Why isn't it?
Why can't I just make it that easy.
3 people have announced their pregnancies in the last few days.
3.
I need a hobby.
Or a second job.
I have too much time.
And not enough money.
I'm sure it doesn't help that my due date is approaching. I'm not sure how to handle this. Am I just suppose to try and forget the date in my head? Do I just try not to think about it? How do you ever forget the loss of a child that once was inside of your body trying it's best to survive?
How do you not think about the happiness and joy you once felt about your news.
It was taken away and all I want is to have it back.
