Rainy

It's raining outside. And it's cold and windy and dark. 
My favorite weather.
Perfection.

Since 4dpo (the past 8 days) my chest has been sore, I've had more than usual CM and headaches. Last night I even got dizzy and thought I was going to puke. I felt in my heart that this was the month. I wanted to test yesterday but since Barry and I are going to Atlanta this Thursday, I figured I'd wait and test Thursday and that way we could find out while we were on vacation. It was the perfect, thought out plan.

But cycle day 1 began today. A whole 4 days early.
FUCK CD 1.

I just want to cry on my couch all day. Naked under the blanket to the sounds of the rain and wind.
How cliche.
I don't care.



I've never wanted to not want something anymore as bad I don't want to want kids anymore.
I don't want to hurt anymore.
I don't want there to be so much pressure on Barry.  Or myself.   Or in the bedroom.


Cheers to Atlanta.

A breath of Fresh Air

For Privacy reasons, I will be referring to my OBGYN as  "A" in this post.

So... I've noticed a few not so great things about my birth control (mini pill) this week. To name a few, my chest has been breaking out really bad, which I thought was my new clean and clear soap (?) but since I've changed soaps since the breakout started, and it's still happening, I've concluded it's the pill. Also, I've had almost a constant dull headache that seems to get worse at night. I thought for this reason, it was because I've been slacking on wearing my glasses at work, but I've worn my glasses every day this week and still get horrible headaches, so I've concluded that this too, is  symptom. And lastly, I had breakthrough bleeding yesterday, CD 10 and today, CD 11. So... Yea. Not very cool.
I called my Dr. and told her what was happening. She said to stop taking the pill. I will keep my ultrasound appointment for 5 weeks from now and see how the cysts are doing. Hopefully the irregular bleeding stops between now and then. Dr. A seems to think it will. She said if the ultrasound shows that the cysts have grown, then she will put me on a higher dose birth control to eliminate them. If they have gotten smaller, then we would proceed with other test.

"Other tests?" you ask.

Well. She asked if Barry and I were trying and I told her yes, that by July, we will have been trying for a year already.
She said that after the ultrasound appointment, she wanted to see me back so that we could talk about doing a work up of Barry's Sperm Analysis and blood work for me as well as having a HSG or  Hysterosalpingogram to see if my tubes are blocked or I have any abnormalities in my tubes or uterus.

I can not even begin to describe the hope that was instilled in me today. I feel like we are on the right track. I feel awesome right now! And so happy to have something to look forward to.

Oh yaaaaayyy! How exciting!

Things I don't like to hear and why.

1. Don't worry, I know it will happen for you guys soon. 
First of all, no you don't. You don't know that, so don't say it. Have you ever actually "tried" to have a baby. How many tries did it take. My situation is not more important than someone else's just because it's had more downs than ups, but it should be treated a little more carefully and gently than someone that got pregnant their first of second try. Stop acting like it's all rainbows and puppy dog tails.
It's not.

2. You need to move on and stop dwelling on this. 
I have moved on. I do not dwell on it. Perhaps the reason I'm still sad (once or twice a month about it) isn't because it happened, it's because nothing has happened since. It's like I'm broken. And until you know how it feels, don't tell me to stop being sad. I am allowed to have a sad day here and there just like everyone else. When I tell you I'm sad, I'm looking for support, not for you to tell me to move on. I've done that already.

3. Maybe if you try not to stress out, you'll get pregnant.
Sure, maybe you're right. But I haven't been stressed out since Christmas. At least not anymore than usual.  So, then again maybe you're wrong. I have been happier than a pig in shit lately.. I got a little down when I went off of birth control a week ago. A gave it a few days and finally got over it. This week I realized what day it was and primitively took my "due date" off, as I knew it would be one of my "sad days." I'd love to just forget that date  but I haven't as of yet and doubt I will  between now and Monday. Does recognizing the fact that it might be a rough day make me a sad person? Does it mean I'm dwelling on the loss. NO. It means I'm giving myself ONE day.

I'm not asking for special treatment. I'm not asking that everyone drop what they are doing and sympathize for me. I don't want your sympathy. Why do think we never told anyone about the whole thing other than the people that knew we were pregnant to begin with?  All I want is support when I'm having a bad day. And allow me a bad day every now and then.
Please, don't be so judgmental.

Due Date

I would have been exactly 39 weeks today.
I went ahead and took next Monday, my due date, off because I know that will be a really rough day.
I've seen it coming for a long time and I just pray I've prepared myself enough for it. I can't decide if I should make myself lots of plans so that I can keep busy and occupied or just give that day to myself to do with it what I please.; weep in bed, watch movies, take a bath... I don't know. Maybe I need to just cry it out all day, or maybe that would do more harm than good.



It's hard to believe it's finally here.
I can't imagine how different our lives would already be and how different, even still, they would become in the coming days. What kind of emotions would I be feeling? Would I be ready for it to be over? Would I still be enjoying the pregnancy? Would we have everything done? Would I be scared? Anxious? Would I only feel excitement? Regret?

I feel like now that we've experienced loss, we will both appreciate it so much more. I hope I can appreciate it until the very last moment, and I don't become so aggravated by all of the negatives of pregnancy, like I hear of so many other women. I hope my body is good to me until the very end.

I hope it happens soon.

until then...  

First.. An update.
The doctor appt went shitty. The reason for the cramps and long lasting period was because my old cyst on my left ovary is getting bigger and I have 2 new ones my right ovary. I was put on progesterine birth control. The good thing, is that we can start trying immediatly after I finish taking them. Even If I skip one day, there is a chance I could get pregnant.
The bad thing is, if I do become pregnant while taking them, there is an increased risk of an ectopic pregnancy.  Yea, that's exactly what I need again.

I have a follow up in 6 weeks to have another ultrasound to see if the birth control is helping the cysts or not.

So.......... birth control. I have to force myself to take them every day. I forget quite frequently. I think my mind if forgetting on purpose. It makes me very sad. If it wasn't  for Barry reminding me all time I'd be screwed. But I'm hoping that this is what I need. Perhaps it will be like last time and I will get pregnant right away.