13 Attempts at writing the 'Learning to Live Without You' blog.

        I've actually lost count on how many times I've attempted to put this blog together. Each time I log in and begin writing I fall apart all over again. 

       It was Monday 08/10/20 at 2:36pm, one week ago, that I found out you were no longer a reality. That my body had rejected you even though my heart and soul had already willed you into existence. At first,after I hung up the call with the clinic, I felt nothing. In it's own defense, my heart went into flight mode and the only feelings I had were those of logic. And maybe a little bit of "don't touch me" and "I want to die." Barry and I hugged for a just a moment before I broke the restraint and told him that "I needed to get back to work. I just needed to work." An hour later, my eyes met his while he was standing in the kitchen and all actual feelings returned at once. I lost it. I audibly sobbed on the couch in his arms. I tried to come up with words to say to him and I had none; at least a simple, "I'm so sorry for our loss." But for almost the rest of the night, I just had nothing. 

       Over the last week I've done everything from try to talk myself into another round of minimal stimulation IVF to quickly and abruptly moving on and getting rid of everything I once held onto for you. I've tried so hard to "see the bright side" and be positive but I've been mostly mad and resentful instead. I'm mad that your room will now be made into something else even though I had all of your furniture and layout picked out already. I had your wall color picked out. I had already picked out first and middle names for you. I already had ideas of how we would tell Elle you were growing in my belly. I had already mapped out your entire first months at home with us and how we would adapt to your new and ever-changing schedule. What kind of bottles and paci's we'd use for you. I had already planned it all. I'm mad that Elle won't get to lay her little face on my belly and feel you moving around. I mad at the sibling bond she will now miss out on because you won't be here. I'm mad that I won't be able to have my chance at a less stressful birth experience with you. I mad that we won't be able to hold you and feel your soft and fuzzy baby skin against ours as we watch your face change from one emotion to the next while you snooze away on my chest. 

       How do I just move forward from this? I was supposed to be pregnant. I had already planned and expected this to be it. It was a finalized, done-deal. How is this now not a reality anymore? This is not how it was supposed to go.  One moment I feel like, "Hey! I've got this. I'm going to be okay." And then the very next, I find myself clenching an old receiving blanket or laying on the floor in Elle's room in a pile of her old bibs and baby clothes that I was saving for you, my face dripping tears and snot, while I ask the age old question of "why me? What did I do that was so bad to deserve this?" If I can't have children, why do I have such a strong yearning to carry another one? What do I do with all of this stuff now? The car seat, the baby lotions and shampoos and diapers, and toys? All of these things I saved for you; what do I do with all of this? It isn't mine to throw away. 

       And then of course I find myself thinking logically and scientifically while I vainly search for the actual answers of "why did this fail?". should I have been exercising? Was our embryo not of good enough quality? Would it have had issues had it developed? Or would the pregnancy have terminated at some point?  Was my body not healed enough from the surgery? My gut tells me it wasn't. After seeing my last period, I have a suspicion that there wasn't enough healthy tissue for the embryo to implant into. 

       I guess none of that really matters. I just wish I would have gotten more time with you, my sweet 5BB.. 

       I also have been thinking about how to move on and move forward. Would moving onto another IVF attempt take my mind off of everything? Would it be worth it? Obviously, if it resulted in a live birth, it would be. I just don't know at this point. It would probably take about a year to save up enough to go though a "minimal stimulation" attempt which would only be about half of the amount as our original round. But if it failed as well, that would be another year lost that we can't get back. Another failed round that I don't know if I could mentally go through again. Truth be told, I don't think I could do or say anything that would talk Barry into trying again no matter how badly I wanted it. 

       For the last 4 years, I've mentally written you into our future together. I've envisioned years worth and it all included you. From you and Elle playing together, to Elle helping to take care of you. And now my future feels like a book of empty pages. For 4 years another child, another happy and exciting pregnancy was a reality, practically a promise because we had you on ice, on the proverbial back burner and now it's all gone. You are entirely gone. For the past 5 years I've believed that God gave me two embryos because we were meant to have two children. I feel so blindsided, still by the call last Monday that I still find it hard to swallow. I've felt loss before; I've lost three pregnancies before this one, but this is by far the worst. You've been in our lives for 5 years and now you're not. There is not "bright side" of this. There is no, "Oh, you're young, you can just try again," or "you can just try IVF."  We are completely done and I didn't prepare at all for this. I'm not ready to be done. I'm not ready or willing to accept this right now. There a gaping hole in my heart where the prospect of you once resided and I'm not ready to just move on empty handed. I'm not ready to not try this again. I do not want to get through this or get better. I just want to be pregnant. I just want to be pregnant with you.

 What's so fucking wrong with that?

     

Zero

That is how much pregnancy hormone there is currently residing in my very unpregnant body. 

I will close out this blog once I collect my thought and can write them all out without crying. 

I feel like I have let down so many.  

Beta Test Day!!

        I cannot believe I've managed to not test in 5 day!! Today is the day I find out if that I'm pregnant!! After having my blood drawn this morning, I was told that I would received a phone call between 2 and 4 today and ever since noon, I've been mentally pacing. 

       I honestly feel so confident that this worked. My headaches are identical to those I had up until 20 weeks or so when I was pregnant with Elle, my chest has slowly become more and more sore over the past couple of days, the cramps, back aches, pelvic fullness feeling... I'm of course going to feel like an idiot if this all goes south in a couple of hours but these are real feeling that I've been experiencing and I'm so appreciative of them as they've gotten me through the past 5 days. 

       Anyways. I will post the results as soon as I get them. Stay tuned!!

End of 8dp5dt

       We are almost through the end of the 8th day past transfer and I’m feel good! I’ve been very crampy the past two days and have also had some back discomfort from time to time. I don’t know what to think of this next one but I woke up to a fullness feeling in my lower pelvic region that hasn’t gone away all day even!  I don’t know if these are all signs of pregnancy or impending doom but I’m taking it all hour by hour  and thanking God every single night for the hope and positivity He instills in me each day. Looking forward to finally getting the results on Monday! 

       One thing I go want to note is the progesterone shots, although don’t hurt at all during admission, are starting to hurt like hell several hours later and last for days now. Both of my hips have multiple knots in them even though I’ve been massaging the oil into the muscle after the shot. Everything I read was right.  These shots are no joke. 

       Will update the blog throughout the weekend if any other “symptoms” arise or vanish :) 

6dp5dt BFN

       Big FAT Negative.. I have no words. I'm hopeful one moment and I'm collapsing into a dark emotional state the very next. To elaborate, I've been pretty decent ever since the test this morning showed negative because I know I'm still not out, but I cannot help but think about the what ifs. What if this really doesn't work? What if we went through all of this for nothing? What if we owe all of this money to surgery bills for nothing. I've already convinced myself that this would work, that it HAS worked! I've had no doubt in my body or soul prior to yesterday. How are we supposed to move forward? We already decided this was it; no more IVF moving forward. Not that we could every afford it again any way. But how do you believe you're pregnant one day and find out that you're not the next? Obviously, I know the answer to this. People do it all the time. But I've worked too fucking hard for this and I still have so much fight left in me for this purpose! 

       Don't get me wrong, Elle is perfect and if she is the only baby I'm ever blessed with, I'm more than happy with that. I just truly don't feel like this story is over. There are more chapters to write and more to experience. Perhaps that comes in the form of very late positive pregnancy test or perhaps something else? I don't know. 

I don't know how to think or feel right now. Every single thought I have contradicts the one before it. It's exhausting. I'm mentally drained and overwhelmed yet still somehow at peace.

EDITED TO ADD:

       I think going forward, I'm going to try and refrain from any further testing and just absorb and enjoy every moment that I've been given with my little 5BB. Ignorance is bliss, and I'm done doing this to myself and everyone else around me, namely my husband.

 

       

5dp5dt - Shell Shocked

       I tested yesterday at 4 days past transfer and today at 5 day past transfer and I'm utterly shell shocked. Each test I've taken have been negative. I've stared and stared and stared at the tests for probably over an hour or so over the course of the last 48 hours, just trying to will them to be positive. Asking God in between to magically change what has already been done. Holding each test in all different directions, in all different shades of light in the house and outside hoping one will yield a different result. And nothing. They are the same, stark white test each time I look at them. 

       With Elle, I tested at 4dp and it was positive- albeit extremely faint.  5dp was also very faint. 6dp it was finally was dark enough to where I could take a photo of it and didn't have to tweak the color and exposure to be able to see the second line on the pregnancy test. 

       Yesterday, after quietly testing and not even telling Barry until last night (ONLY because he asked) I was fine all day. I knew it was still super early and I knew we still had plenty of time. Most people who test after a frozen embryo transfer don't get a positive until around 6-8 days post transfer. Sometime they don't implant until even later than that, which is why my clinic won't even run a blood test until 12 days past that transfer!  So logical me knows that it's still very early. 

       Here's how it works: After the transfer of a 5-day old embryo, implantation typically happens around 1-3 day later. After that, it still take a couple of days for a pregnancy test to turn positive because the body has to build a certain detectable level of HCG (Pregnancy hormone) to show up on a home pregnancy test.

       Again, I know that I'm not "out" yet, but today I was overcome by doubt and grief over the possible loss and/or non-existence of my sweet, sweet embryo. I couldn't even fake it. Everyone I've talked to today has heard it in my voice and almost all of them have asked me what was wrong. I was hardly strong enough to even lie and tell them, "nothing." My voice crackling each time I did so. I knew I couldn't hold it together to tell them the actual "what was wrong with me". And truth be told, I felt silly for testing and being upset anyways. I told stressed to Barry last night when he asked when we could test, " Barry we can test tomorrow but DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED OR DISHEARTENED IF IT'S NEGATIVE. IT'S STILL SO EARLY!!" And what did I do, I completely fucking fell apart over my negative test!! 

       Something that really resignated with me this morning was when Barry told me, "Babe, nothing about this process has been easy. NOTHING! Why would the testing be any easier?"

He's absolutely right. That really kind of put everything into perspective for me. I wish I had the will power to not test anymore and just live blissfully unaware but I can't now that I've already tested. And I'm much too weak not to at this point. All I can go is pray for the strength to possibly see another negative test or two in the meantime or pray that there just won't be anymore negative test to live through altogether. 

I think it's worth noting too, that all of my "symptoms" have vanished since Saturday morning. No more cramps (only occasional) and only a slightly sore chest, which oddly seems like it may be getting a little sorer this afternoon but ever since Saturday, it has dramatically decreased from how it was which was VERY painful to almost nothing. I know that things change from pregnancy to pregnancy. and I know that "symptoms" can come on and drop off at a moments notice and it all can mean absolutely nothing. I've read many girls having no symptoms at all, but with their first pregnancy, they had every symptom in the book from day one of their embryo transfer and they cried all throughout their two week wait until the blood work confirmation only to find out they were pregnant. Everyone is different and every pregnancy is different. I know these things and I believe these things. So why is it so hard to be positive again like I was before all of these negative tests?!

EDITED TO ADD:

       One last thing I'd like to mention was that going into this, I told myself, "Candace, this Embryo is graded slightly below Elle, so it may not implant as soon as Elle did." I don;t know why I just remembered and thought of this but it's brought me a lot of comfort and resolve ever since, so I figured I'd throw it up on the blog :) Not all hope it lost.

2dp5dt

       2 days post transfer and I feel like it’s been a lifetime already. I’ve been over thinking and over analyzing every little cramp and twinge since last night. I’m trying to remain strong and not take a home pregnancy test because I know if I do, it’ll be negative this early on and if it’s negative it will inevitably and undoubtedly KILL me. Hopefully I can remain strong and resist the urge throughout the weekend. 

       Currently, my “symptoms” are: crampy off and on, with painful pinchy type feelings directly behind my public bone, which I had with Elle, so naturally, I’m extremely hopeful and happy about! And I still have a VERY sore Chest which at this point is probably just related to the Progesterone Medication. I’m also feeling more tired than normal but again, it’s probably medication related. 

       I still feel incredibly hopeful and positive! I just wish it were time to take a test! I’m ready to pee on a freaking stick already! 

1dp5dt

       Today is day past  day transferrr!!!

We arrived at the hospital a little early yesterday, thankfully, because we ended up driving around in the parking garage for 10 minutes before we finally gave up and just drove all the way to the top and parked!

        The procedure was scheduled for 12 but they asked that I arrive at 11 so they’d have plenty of time to fill my badder via IV since I couldn’t eat or drink anything on account of the anesthesia. They ended up not even calling me back until 11:20 so of course while I was worrying the whole time in the waiting room and as I laid there as they filled up my “bone dry” bladder. Finally I told the nurse that I was worried my little embryo was just sitting in the medium becoming weaker and weaker but I was told that wasn't the case at all and that it was fine and not to worry. It was such a humbling feeling knowing my embryo was just on the other side of the wall ❤️

       Finally, at around 12:30, I was taken back to the surgical room. I laid up on the bed and put my legs up in the leg holder things. They kept me covered the entire time until just before I slipped off to sleep. The last thing I said was , “good luck, Dr. Winslow!” I was out before I even heard his response. Lol!

       When I awoke, they told me the transfer went perfectly and that my little embryo had actually grown from a 4BB to a 5BB!!! I was so happy and proud to hear that! I laid in the bed thanking God for finally making this happen and told my embryo to get nice and comfy in there and that I would continue to give them a warm, safe, and happy home for the next 8 months. 

       Afterwards, I got the Chipotle Carnitas Bowl I was promised and then went home and slept off and on the couch for the remainder of the day. I had planned on getting up and being a little more active to keep my blood moving and pumping but I was so exhausted and couldn’t keep my eyes open at all! 

       Today I've felt a few little cramps and pulling-type sensations here and there but all hardly noticeable. Honestly, my heart is so full at just the thought of having our little embryo on board. ❤️❤️

I'm wearing my rainbow socks again today for good luck. 

Barry busted me in the closet...

         Okay, so it's officially the day before our transfer and I'M FREAKING OUT! I'm so excited that I get my baby on board tomorrow. I feel like I have been mentally preparing for this moment for almost a year and now that it's here I don't even know what to do with myself, 
         It feels strange typing this- almost as if the failed transfer never happened, as doubt never really crossed my mind at that time either. But that was a strange time. Covid still felt relatively new, Barry was severly unhappy about his job and we just talked about it daily. I just didn't feel right about that transfer from the very start so I'm happy and feel very blessed to feel empowered and positive this cycle. Its refreshing, ya know?

        So, back to why you're really here. Barry busted me... in the closet last night.... 

PRAYING! 

        After a particularly difficult night, shortly after hearing about the passing of our friend, I went into out master bedroom closet while Barry was giving Elle a bath, I closed the door behind me, dropped to the floor and prayed so hard for our friend's mourning wife and family and asked Him for help getting me thought it as well, without sacrificing my mental and physical well-being right before our transfer. I sobbed and prayed and sobbed some more. I finally allowed myself to grieve the way I knew I needed. Really, it was involuntary but I didn't stop it from happening; I just rode the wave. A few minutes later, I dried things up, washed my face, and felt completely restored almost immediately after. Honestly, it was the first time I had prayed in a while but that night I felt like had no where else to turn. I was completely beside myself with anxiety and anguish. Since that night, I've decided that the closet is my new sacred, quiet place. So while Barry was occupied bathing Elle last night, I proceeded to that said hallowed space. Where I could have those few hushed, uninterrupted moments.  That is... until he walked out into the living room looking for something and didn't see me. After he finally found me holed up in the closet, he told me he thought'd I'd been taken in the rapture. HAHAHA!!!😂
 Nope.. just hiding out, talking to Jesus. NBD.

          The few people that we have told keep texting and asking how I'm feeling.  
The side effects of the medications I'm taking are that of early pregnancy systems, believe it or not: So far the only side effect I'm experiencing is being bloated, tired, and a very sensitive, sore chest. Aside from that, I'm doing just peachy! Again, just very hopeful and excited to get my baby back tomorrow!!!

That luscious lining though!

       So, today was my first monitoring visit for this cycle and it went AMAZING!!

(For anyone that happens upon this post while searching fertility diets, and want to see what I've been doing- I'll post my diet at the end)

Okay, I so went in this morning for blood work and lining check andddd.... (drum roll please..)

10 mm and Triple Stripe!!!

 I could not even. 

       Now, in the grand scheme of things, I know some women a have lining as thick as 12, 13, up to 16 milometers in UNMEDIATED cycles... And to those women, my hat is off to you. My measly 10 mm lining is probably pretty unworthy of writing about, but considering everything my poor uterus just underwent AND my sad little 7mm lining at my last transfer attempt- I am MEGA excited- THRILLED for my 10mm lining this go around!! When that number left the Doctor's lips my entire body and soul breathed a satisfying sigh of relief. I've already been feeling immensely positive about this cycle and I feel like that number completely validated my feelings. With that said, I've also been [understandably] concerned about my uterus in general as well as the lining; thinking, "how could it possible heal that quickly after the surgery and rebuild that quickly?" My nurse told me though, that the Estrogen would help to heal it and grow that lining quickly. As I mentioned, my previous attempted transfer, my lining only made it to 7mm and I've read about women at other centers having their cycles canceled if their lining wasn't at least 8 and 9 so my number last time had me incredibly worried. I'll have to go back and check, but I believe my very first (successful) transfer, my lining was 11 at the time of transfer, So since I still have a week to go, I''m sure I'll reach and possibly even surpass that.

       Things I've been eating : Brazil Nuts/ Dark Chocolate.
Brazil Nuts is a food that contain the highest amount of Selenium on the planet. This mineral helps to thicken the Uterine wall which in can encourage implantation of the embryo. Additionally Selenium is a mild anticoagulant, which can increase blood flow to the uterus.  And the Dark chocolate honestly, for me just makes the Brazil nuts edible because I eat them both in the same bite! LOL) but also it's contains a lot of antioxidants.

       I've also been drinking at least one Red drink or Green drink daily.
Red Drinks to beef up the uterine lining improve blood flow and the Green Drink to clean up the free radicals and even out my pH balance.

Red Drinks consist of
8 oz Water
8 oz 100% Pom Juice
2 raw Beets
1 Avocado
1 handful each of Strawberries, Blueberries, Spinach, and fresh Pineapple.

Green Drink:
16 oz Water
1 Avocado
Pineapple
Spinach
Lemon Juice

On friday, we begin Endometrin and PIO shots so I'll check back in at that time.

Crushed

       Today has been a difficult day. Easily one of the hardest in several years. I awoke to learn a very sweet friend had past unexpectedly and very tragically the night before in the presence of his wife and mother in law. Though we weren’t extremely close- he was the type of person that you could call in the middle of the night for absolutely anything and he’d be there. If you invited him- he’d be the first to RSVP. If you got hurt, he’d be the first to laugh at you as he was helping you off the ground, asking you for the rest of the night if you were okay while telling all the late comers to the party what a magnificent fall you took. (All of these were things actually did!) The type of person that made you feel like the most important person in the room when he saw you, especially if it had been awhile since your last visit. Of all of the people I’ve ever known in my life, he was One of the best. One of the nicest, generous, kindest, most genuine. . 

       With everything going on and being mid- transfer cycle, I feel like I’m somehow trying to postpone my grieving so that is doesn’t have a negative impact on anything and  I feel selfish and foolish.   Historically,  when I learn of a death, it takes me a couple of days, sometime even weeks to truly and fully process it to actually begin the grieving cycle. But when I was told  of the traumatic and tragic ending of his life, the weight of it was almost instant. 

       I’m not sure where I’m going with this or why I’m sharing it in my fertility blog. It’s just so fucking heartbreaking. 

New News

Let me first start out by saying that I cannot believe, for someone that enjoys writing as much as I do, it's been 4 and a half years since I've updated this blog!

      It's July 17th, today, and so much has happened this year already. For starters... The Pandemic! A freaking global Pandemic that is STILL getting worse and infecting and killing hundreds by the day. Also, the BLM Movement. But most importantly, at least in my little world: IVF 2.0.
      In September of 2019, Barry and I finally decided that in a few short months, we'd be as prepared as we were ever going to be to try for our second Embryo. In January 2020, we met with Dr Duffy and formulated a plan of attack. In March, I started birth control and went in for my first monitoring appointment where I had some blood work done and a "Mock transfer." Following this appointment, I was told everything was great was allowed to proceed. A week later, the entire universe flipped on it's head and Covid-19 reared it's ugly face in the United States. The entire country went on lock down and then Barry unexpectedly lost his job. Thankfully, he was blessed with employment less than 24 hours later, but before this happened,  I put a call into the clinic and told them we'd have to cancel the cycle as it just wasn't the right time.
      In April we decided to attempt the transfer again. Once more I started the IVF medications and by May 6th, we were as ready as ever for our little 4BB to be transferred, yet the day ended in heartbreak when we learned that I had (presumptive) Cervical Stenosis. I was told that our Embryo would need to be re-frozen and I'd need to come in for a Cervical Dilation under anesthesia at the clinic. A few weeks later, we tried the dilation which was shockingly unsuccessful. At that time I was refereed to UF Health in Gainesville to undergo the Dilation procedure with a specialist. After waiting a month for my first appointment, I learned during a Hysteroscopy with said specialist in Gainesville, that I did not have cervical stenosis- and as a matter of fact, my cervix was wide open, albeit a little tough to navigate. What was wrong, was a thick wall of scar tissue blocking the entrance to my uterine cavity. A few days after learning this, my surgery was scheduled for July 1st to correct it. Much to surprise, given all of the other wrenches 2020 had thrown at our faces, and the difficulties I had booking every single appointment at UF Health, the surgery was a success. Not only was the doctor able to excise all of the scar tissue and make a clear opening for the transfer catheter, he was also able to suspend my retroflexed uterus so that it would sit in a normal, upright position.

       Presently, I'm on day 7 of my Estradial (Estrogen Hormone Pill) and looking forward to my first monitoring appointment next Wednesday, July 22nd. Tentatively, we are looking at a transfer date of July 29th.. Because of my known history of "difficult transfers" this one will be under anesthesia.

       I know this blog is much more lackluster than normal. It feels too chronological and forced, almost like it needs to be laid out in a series of bullet points instead of sentences. But it's hard shoving almost 10 months of events and emotions into 1 comprehensible paragraph. Now that I'm caught up, the following posts should be more in tune with the typical type of blog posts.