Crushed

       Today has been a difficult day. Easily one of the hardest in several years. I awoke to learn a very sweet friend had past unexpectedly and very tragically the night before in the presence of his wife and mother in law. Though we weren’t extremely close- he was the type of person that you could call in the middle of the night for absolutely anything and he’d be there. If you invited him- he’d be the first to RSVP. If you got hurt, he’d be the first to laugh at you as he was helping you off the ground, asking you for the rest of the night if you were okay while telling all the late comers to the party what a magnificent fall you took. (All of these were things actually did!) The type of person that made you feel like the most important person in the room when he saw you, especially if it had been awhile since your last visit. Of all of the people I’ve ever known in my life, he was One of the best. One of the nicest, generous, kindest, most genuine. . 

       With everything going on and being mid- transfer cycle, I feel like I’m somehow trying to postpone my grieving so that is doesn’t have a negative impact on anything and  I feel selfish and foolish.   Historically,  when I learn of a death, it takes me a couple of days, sometime even weeks to truly and fully process it to actually begin the grieving cycle. But when I was told  of the traumatic and tragic ending of his life, the weight of it was almost instant. 

       I’m not sure where I’m going with this or why I’m sharing it in my fertility blog. It’s just so fucking heartbreaking. 

New News

Let me first start out by saying that I cannot believe, for someone that enjoys writing as much as I do, it's been 4 and a half years since I've updated this blog!

      It's July 17th, today, and so much has happened this year already. For starters... The Pandemic! A freaking global Pandemic that is STILL getting worse and infecting and killing hundreds by the day. Also, the BLM Movement. But most importantly, at least in my little world: IVF 2.0.
      In September of 2019, Barry and I finally decided that in a few short months, we'd be as prepared as we were ever going to be to try for our second Embryo. In January 2020, we met with Dr Duffy and formulated a plan of attack. In March, I started birth control and went in for my first monitoring appointment where I had some blood work done and a "Mock transfer." Following this appointment, I was told everything was great was allowed to proceed. A week later, the entire universe flipped on it's head and Covid-19 reared it's ugly face in the United States. The entire country went on lock down and then Barry unexpectedly lost his job. Thankfully, he was blessed with employment less than 24 hours later, but before this happened,  I put a call into the clinic and told them we'd have to cancel the cycle as it just wasn't the right time.
      In April we decided to attempt the transfer again. Once more I started the IVF medications and by May 6th, we were as ready as ever for our little 4BB to be transferred, yet the day ended in heartbreak when we learned that I had (presumptive) Cervical Stenosis. I was told that our Embryo would need to be re-frozen and I'd need to come in for a Cervical Dilation under anesthesia at the clinic. A few weeks later, we tried the dilation which was shockingly unsuccessful. At that time I was refereed to UF Health in Gainesville to undergo the Dilation procedure with a specialist. After waiting a month for my first appointment, I learned during a Hysteroscopy with said specialist in Gainesville, that I did not have cervical stenosis- and as a matter of fact, my cervix was wide open, albeit a little tough to navigate. What was wrong, was a thick wall of scar tissue blocking the entrance to my uterine cavity. A few days after learning this, my surgery was scheduled for July 1st to correct it. Much to surprise, given all of the other wrenches 2020 had thrown at our faces, and the difficulties I had booking every single appointment at UF Health, the surgery was a success. Not only was the doctor able to excise all of the scar tissue and make a clear opening for the transfer catheter, he was also able to suspend my retroflexed uterus so that it would sit in a normal, upright position.

       Presently, I'm on day 7 of my Estradial (Estrogen Hormone Pill) and looking forward to my first monitoring appointment next Wednesday, July 22nd. Tentatively, we are looking at a transfer date of July 29th.. Because of my known history of "difficult transfers" this one will be under anesthesia.

       I know this blog is much more lackluster than normal. It feels too chronological and forced, almost like it needs to be laid out in a series of bullet points instead of sentences. But it's hard shoving almost 10 months of events and emotions into 1 comprehensible paragraph. Now that I'm caught up, the following posts should be more in tune with the typical type of blog posts.

5 months.

5 months 6days

Elle is still sleeping in her crib. Her schedule is still terrible which I know is my fault. She usually goes down between 10-11 and then it's a roll of the dice as to how long she sleeps for. Sometimes she's up at 2am to eat again. Sometimes 4am or 5am or 6am. Sometimes she wakes up every 2 hours to eat and sometimes she sleeps for 5 consecutive hours.  I've got to get this girl on a more definite schedule. 

She's still doing great with rolling over from

Back to to belly but doesn't know how to roll back over onto her back again. So far there have been a handful of times Barry and I have gone in and found her on her belly in her crib which scares the shit out of me but she lets us know that she's stuck. 

She's cooing a lot more now. 

Teething has also picked up and although I know it's going to get much worse she's much more fussy than she was before month 5. 

5months 2 weeks:

Elle has started to squeal and she can have full conversations with herself of you just in squeals and screams. She does it almost constantly while she eats oatmeal.  Oh yeah, food is going great! She takes oatmeal and pears in the mornings and oatmeal and a veggie in the evenings! 

Also, in regards to her sleep schedule, we've started giving her her paci at least once or twice when she cried in the middle of the night before getting up and feeding her to see how long she'll go. So far that is going well. Now I'm feeding her every four hours at night. 

5months 3-4 weeks

Elle has begun sleeping through the night!!!! She goes down for bed at about 9:00-9:30 and sleeps until about 5am-6am. After that feeding she goes back to bed until 8 or so and then nurses again and and will usually return to sleep after that as well for alt least another half hour- two hours. Depending on how she feels. She'll easily sleep until 10am some days if you let her. LOL! She is definitely my daughter! I'm so glad we didn't force her into a scheduled. I was feeling pretty down and out about myself after seeing so many of my friends post that their babies were sleeping through the night at only a couple months old, and that they were in their own cribs too while Elle slept with me until month 4 and only just now started sleeping though the night. I'm sure the introduction of solids played a big role, along with being a little older and feeling a little more comfortable sleeping by herself now. Regardless I'm glad we let  her fall into her own pattern. I couldn't be more proud of her and I'm so glad she's figuring things out for herself. She's such a smart little cookie! I just love her so much!! 

4 months

• Elle has been doing pretty good in her bassinet. She sleeps in it for a few hours and then gets in the bed with me. 

• she got her first ear infection this month
• her fussiness has picked up a lot this month too.
• she had good days and bad ones but shes's fussy for at least 14 of every day if not a lot more. she never use to cry this month :( It's awful watching her go through the phase. the doctors say she starting to show signs of teething. 
• on her last day of being 4 months, she rolled over! at the doctors office to boot!
• she started oatmeal this month and LOVES it. She's gets so excited about eating and jumps up and down in her seat whle shes being fed. it's so cute!

3 MONTHS OLD

• Elle learned to hold her head up this month. she started out a little wobbly but by the end of her third month, she was holding it a lot stabler. 

• she'll also sit upright when laid up against something! I've been nestling her in the crack where the two back cushions meat on the couch to get her little back and neck use to sitting upright. I've tried to see what happens when I sit her up on her own, but she topples right over. 
• towards the beginning of the month, she started to reach out and grab things that she'd see you put her in front of her
• she much more prefers to scoop things up to her face and mouth for further investigation at this point rather that use her finger and hands to grasp things but shes starting to get the hang of it.
• speaking of mouth, EVERYTHING she can touch goes directly into her mouth. literally, anything she can fit! which includes her ENTIRE fist hahahah!!!!!
• i can't believe how big she's getting. She's at least twice as big as she was when she was born. her foot is already half the length of mine!

• She usually only whines when she's hungry or needs to poop and can't but lately she whines when shes sleepy too. And the longer she fights it, the whiner she becomes. 
• before week 16  I'd only ever heard her cry 3 times before but now she cries at least once a day if not more! Sometimes it's only for a few seconds and sometimes it's for a minute or two but I have no clue what's bothering her to be having these moments. maybe growing pains??
• We got a nice bassinet from my mom which I put in our room next to our bed that she's been sleeping in lately. 
• For the first part of month 3, she would sleep in it from about midnight to 5am. Then around the middle of month, she started only sleeping until 4am and then 3am before waking up, kicking the sides of her bed until I'd get up and either feed her in the living room or put her in the bed with me. usually i just did the latter because she would sleep until 6 or 7 before waking up hungry. now with only a few days left in the 3rd month, I'm back on the couch with her, trying to get her to sleep in her bassinet through the night. Or at least more than 3 or 4 hours.

2 MONTHS OLD

• Elle is holding her little head up by herself! Well, not for very long before becoming tired and a little lazy but she tries! 

• She's smiling all the time now and is trying to laugh too. it's the cutest thing because she doesn't quite get the sounds she suppose to make when she laughs so it comes out as a cough. haha!

• If I make certain faces of stick my tongue out she try to mimic me.
•  Her gruntiness has mostly subsided which is nice but she still does it when she's tired, hungry, or has to poop. 

• She still absolutely hates tummy time and will have nothing to do with it. 

• I'm finally able to distinguish what most of her cries are for.

• She got her very first shots this month and handled it like a champ. (I saved her bloody little band aids because I'm creepy like that.) I was so impressed. She did cry, but not for very long. She cried more about the fact of having to take the liquid medicine orally than the shots in the thighs. 

• I'm currently still sleeping on the couch with her but recently I've been letting her sleep in her pack n play which has been going pretty good. I'm hoping to get her use to sleeping by herself so we can get her into her crib by the time she's 3 months.

1 MONTH'

Elle started smiling at about 3 weeks old. She mostly does it randomly, almost as if by accident but will do it every now and then when stimulated too.
She had her first unscheduled doctor appointment at 4 weeks, one day shy of her 2nd month, due to fussiness and lots of straining. For two nights in a row she stayed up almost all day long and I stayed up with her. But by the second day I couldn't take the thought that she was comfortable so I Barry took the morning off, let me sleep awhile while he watched and fed Elle for me, and then we headed to the Doctors office.  They said the fussiness is common every now and then and that the straining is because she doesn't have the abdominal muscles like adults have which makes it difficult for babies to have bowel movements. They really have to try to have one so they stain but it doesn't mean the are in pain, as long as the poop is soft everything is okay and normal. Babies are just really animated about it. I'm hoping the grunting stops soon though. It breaks my heart!
Breastfeeding is going really well. I still sometimes have my days of panic when she wants to nurse all day or all night and I let myself start to believe shes isn't getting enough to eat and then panic that I'm not making enough and I'm going to fail at breastfeeding but judging by her last weight of 8lbs  which was up 2 pounds from birth, she's getting plenty to eat!
Burping she eats is now a regular thing as it not only prevents her from spitting up later but also prevents air from reaching her intestines all together which creates the gassiness which creates the straining which creates the fussiness!We also have to keep her upright for about 20 minutes after every meal to keep her from spitting up. The last few days have been really great as far as her mood and sleep patterns go and she has been much less grunty both while awake and asleep which  I believe is due to the post eating protocol we've adopted.
I'm still sleeping on the couch with her as the one and only time I tried to crib her last week, she was having one of her grunty nights and shes would have kept Barry awake all night through the baby monitor. I was sleeping in our bed with her after the couple of weeks of initially keeping her in the rock n play ended due to the grunting but then she began to grunt in the bed with me too so now I sleep on the couch with her every night and Barry takes the bed. i figure its only fair that he gets a good night sleep since he has to wake up and go to work every day.
My self diagnosed PPD is much better now too since I've finally made arrangements for Elle when I return to work. My grandma will watch her Thursday and and Friday morning and my Mom will keep her Friday afternoon until I get off and pick her up. And Mercury had allowed me to work from home part time Mon-Wed. My PPD is night and day now compared to how it's been. I was crying almost all day every single day for the first 2 weeks. Then 2-3 times a day during week 3 and 4 and now I'm basically care free. except for when Elle does something adorable. Or when something scary happens. Or when I get lost in a magical, happy Elle/pregnancy related thought. :) I'm so thankful for her!