With Elle, I tested at 4dp and it was positive- albeit extremely faint. 5dp was also very faint. 6dp it was finally was dark enough to where I could take a photo of it and didn't have to tweak the color and exposure to be able to see the second line on the pregnancy test.
Yesterday, after quietly testing and not even telling Barry until last night (ONLY because he asked) I was fine all day. I knew it was still super early and I knew we still had plenty of time. Most people who test after a frozen embryo transfer don't get a positive until around 6-8 days post transfer. Sometime they don't implant until even later than that, which is why my clinic won't even run a blood test until 12 days past that transfer! So logical me knows that it's still very early.
Here's how it works: After the transfer of a 5-day old embryo, implantation typically happens around 1-3 day later. After that, it still take a couple of days for a pregnancy test to turn positive because the body has to build a certain detectable level of HCG (Pregnancy hormone) to show up on a home pregnancy test.
Again, I know that I'm not "out" yet, but today I was overcome by doubt and grief over the possible loss and/or non-existence of my sweet, sweet embryo. I couldn't even fake it. Everyone I've talked to today has heard it in my voice and almost all of them have asked me what was wrong. I was hardly strong enough to even lie and tell them, "nothing." My voice crackling each time I did so. I knew I couldn't hold it together to tell them the actual "what was wrong with me". And truth be told, I felt silly for testing and being upset anyways. I told stressed to Barry last night when he asked when we could test, " Barry we can test tomorrow but DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED OR DISHEARTENED IF IT'S NEGATIVE. IT'S STILL SO EARLY!!" And what did I do, I completely fucking fell apart over my negative test!!
Something that really resignated with me this morning was when Barry told me, "Babe, nothing about this process has been easy. NOTHING! Why would the testing be any easier?"
He's absolutely right. That really kind of put everything into perspective for me. I wish I had the will power to not test anymore and just live blissfully unaware but I can't now that I've already tested. And I'm much too weak not to at this point. All I can go is pray for the strength to possibly see another negative test or two in the meantime or pray that there just won't be anymore negative test to live through altogether.
I think it's worth noting too, that all of my "symptoms" have vanished since Saturday morning. No more cramps (only occasional) and only a slightly sore chest, which oddly seems like it may be getting a little sorer this afternoon but ever since Saturday, it has dramatically decreased from how it was which was VERY painful to almost nothing. I know that things change from pregnancy to pregnancy. and I know that "symptoms" can come on and drop off at a moments notice and it all can mean absolutely nothing. I've read many girls having no symptoms at all, but with their first pregnancy, they had every symptom in the book from day one of their embryo transfer and they cried all throughout their two week wait until the blood work confirmation only to find out they were pregnant. Everyone is different and every pregnancy is different. I know these things and I believe these things. So why is it so hard to be positive again like I was before all of these negative tests?!
EDITED TO ADD:
One last thing I'd like to mention was that going into this, I told myself, "Candace, this Embryo is graded slightly below Elle, so it may not implant as soon as Elle did." I don;t know why I just remembered and thought of this but it's brought me a lot of comfort and resolve ever since, so I figured I'd throw it up on the blog :) Not all hope it lost.
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