6dp5dt BFN

       Big FAT Negative.. I have no words. I'm hopeful one moment and I'm collapsing into a dark emotional state the very next. To elaborate, I've been pretty decent ever since the test this morning showed negative because I know I'm still not out, but I cannot help but think about the what ifs. What if this really doesn't work? What if we went through all of this for nothing? What if we owe all of this money to surgery bills for nothing. I've already convinced myself that this would work, that it HAS worked! I've had no doubt in my body or soul prior to yesterday. How are we supposed to move forward? We already decided this was it; no more IVF moving forward. Not that we could every afford it again any way. But how do you believe you're pregnant one day and find out that you're not the next? Obviously, I know the answer to this. People do it all the time. But I've worked too fucking hard for this and I still have so much fight left in me for this purpose! 

       Don't get me wrong, Elle is perfect and if she is the only baby I'm ever blessed with, I'm more than happy with that. I just truly don't feel like this story is over. There are more chapters to write and more to experience. Perhaps that comes in the form of very late positive pregnancy test or perhaps something else? I don't know. 

I don't know how to think or feel right now. Every single thought I have contradicts the one before it. It's exhausting. I'm mentally drained and overwhelmed yet still somehow at peace.

EDITED TO ADD:

       I think going forward, I'm going to try and refrain from any further testing and just absorb and enjoy every moment that I've been given with my little 5BB. Ignorance is bliss, and I'm done doing this to myself and everyone else around me, namely my husband.