Beta Test Day!!

        I cannot believe I've managed to not test in 5 day!! Today is the day I find out if that I'm pregnant!! After having my blood drawn this morning, I was told that I would received a phone call between 2 and 4 today and ever since noon, I've been mentally pacing. 

       I honestly feel so confident that this worked. My headaches are identical to those I had up until 20 weeks or so when I was pregnant with Elle, my chest has slowly become more and more sore over the past couple of days, the cramps, back aches, pelvic fullness feeling... I'm of course going to feel like an idiot if this all goes south in a couple of hours but these are real feeling that I've been experiencing and I'm so appreciative of them as they've gotten me through the past 5 days. 

       Anyways. I will post the results as soon as I get them. Stay tuned!!

End of 8dp5dt

       We are almost through the end of the 8th day past transfer and I’m feel good! I’ve been very crampy the past two days and have also had some back discomfort from time to time. I don’t know what to think of this next one but I woke up to a fullness feeling in my lower pelvic region that hasn’t gone away all day even!  I don’t know if these are all signs of pregnancy or impending doom but I’m taking it all hour by hour  and thanking God every single night for the hope and positivity He instills in me each day. Looking forward to finally getting the results on Monday! 

       One thing I go want to note is the progesterone shots, although don’t hurt at all during admission, are starting to hurt like hell several hours later and last for days now. Both of my hips have multiple knots in them even though I’ve been massaging the oil into the muscle after the shot. Everything I read was right.  These shots are no joke. 

       Will update the blog throughout the weekend if any other “symptoms” arise or vanish :) 

6dp5dt BFN

       Big FAT Negative.. I have no words. I'm hopeful one moment and I'm collapsing into a dark emotional state the very next. To elaborate, I've been pretty decent ever since the test this morning showed negative because I know I'm still not out, but I cannot help but think about the what ifs. What if this really doesn't work? What if we went through all of this for nothing? What if we owe all of this money to surgery bills for nothing. I've already convinced myself that this would work, that it HAS worked! I've had no doubt in my body or soul prior to yesterday. How are we supposed to move forward? We already decided this was it; no more IVF moving forward. Not that we could every afford it again any way. But how do you believe you're pregnant one day and find out that you're not the next? Obviously, I know the answer to this. People do it all the time. But I've worked too fucking hard for this and I still have so much fight left in me for this purpose! 

       Don't get me wrong, Elle is perfect and if she is the only baby I'm ever blessed with, I'm more than happy with that. I just truly don't feel like this story is over. There are more chapters to write and more to experience. Perhaps that comes in the form of very late positive pregnancy test or perhaps something else? I don't know. 

I don't know how to think or feel right now. Every single thought I have contradicts the one before it. It's exhausting. I'm mentally drained and overwhelmed yet still somehow at peace.

EDITED TO ADD:

       I think going forward, I'm going to try and refrain from any further testing and just absorb and enjoy every moment that I've been given with my little 5BB. Ignorance is bliss, and I'm done doing this to myself and everyone else around me, namely my husband.

 

       

5dp5dt - Shell Shocked

       I tested yesterday at 4 days past transfer and today at 5 day past transfer and I'm utterly shell shocked. Each test I've taken have been negative. I've stared and stared and stared at the tests for probably over an hour or so over the course of the last 48 hours, just trying to will them to be positive. Asking God in between to magically change what has already been done. Holding each test in all different directions, in all different shades of light in the house and outside hoping one will yield a different result. And nothing. They are the same, stark white test each time I look at them. 

       With Elle, I tested at 4dp and it was positive- albeit extremely faint.  5dp was also very faint. 6dp it was finally was dark enough to where I could take a photo of it and didn't have to tweak the color and exposure to be able to see the second line on the pregnancy test. 

       Yesterday, after quietly testing and not even telling Barry until last night (ONLY because he asked) I was fine all day. I knew it was still super early and I knew we still had plenty of time. Most people who test after a frozen embryo transfer don't get a positive until around 6-8 days post transfer. Sometime they don't implant until even later than that, which is why my clinic won't even run a blood test until 12 days past that transfer!  So logical me knows that it's still very early. 

       Here's how it works: After the transfer of a 5-day old embryo, implantation typically happens around 1-3 day later. After that, it still take a couple of days for a pregnancy test to turn positive because the body has to build a certain detectable level of HCG (Pregnancy hormone) to show up on a home pregnancy test.

       Again, I know that I'm not "out" yet, but today I was overcome by doubt and grief over the possible loss and/or non-existence of my sweet, sweet embryo. I couldn't even fake it. Everyone I've talked to today has heard it in my voice and almost all of them have asked me what was wrong. I was hardly strong enough to even lie and tell them, "nothing." My voice crackling each time I did so. I knew I couldn't hold it together to tell them the actual "what was wrong with me". And truth be told, I felt silly for testing and being upset anyways. I told stressed to Barry last night when he asked when we could test, " Barry we can test tomorrow but DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED OR DISHEARTENED IF IT'S NEGATIVE. IT'S STILL SO EARLY!!" And what did I do, I completely fucking fell apart over my negative test!! 

       Something that really resignated with me this morning was when Barry told me, "Babe, nothing about this process has been easy. NOTHING! Why would the testing be any easier?"

He's absolutely right. That really kind of put everything into perspective for me. I wish I had the will power to not test anymore and just live blissfully unaware but I can't now that I've already tested. And I'm much too weak not to at this point. All I can go is pray for the strength to possibly see another negative test or two in the meantime or pray that there just won't be anymore negative test to live through altogether. 

I think it's worth noting too, that all of my "symptoms" have vanished since Saturday morning. No more cramps (only occasional) and only a slightly sore chest, which oddly seems like it may be getting a little sorer this afternoon but ever since Saturday, it has dramatically decreased from how it was which was VERY painful to almost nothing. I know that things change from pregnancy to pregnancy. and I know that "symptoms" can come on and drop off at a moments notice and it all can mean absolutely nothing. I've read many girls having no symptoms at all, but with their first pregnancy, they had every symptom in the book from day one of their embryo transfer and they cried all throughout their two week wait until the blood work confirmation only to find out they were pregnant. Everyone is different and every pregnancy is different. I know these things and I believe these things. So why is it so hard to be positive again like I was before all of these negative tests?!

EDITED TO ADD:

       One last thing I'd like to mention was that going into this, I told myself, "Candace, this Embryo is graded slightly below Elle, so it may not implant as soon as Elle did." I don;t know why I just remembered and thought of this but it's brought me a lot of comfort and resolve ever since, so I figured I'd throw it up on the blog :) Not all hope it lost.

2dp5dt

       2 days post transfer and I feel like it’s been a lifetime already. I’ve been over thinking and over analyzing every little cramp and twinge since last night. I’m trying to remain strong and not take a home pregnancy test because I know if I do, it’ll be negative this early on and if it’s negative it will inevitably and undoubtedly KILL me. Hopefully I can remain strong and resist the urge throughout the weekend. 

       Currently, my “symptoms” are: crampy off and on, with painful pinchy type feelings directly behind my public bone, which I had with Elle, so naturally, I’m extremely hopeful and happy about! And I still have a VERY sore Chest which at this point is probably just related to the Progesterone Medication. I’m also feeling more tired than normal but again, it’s probably medication related. 

       I still feel incredibly hopeful and positive! I just wish it were time to take a test! I’m ready to pee on a freaking stick already! 

1dp5dt

       Today is day past  day transferrr!!!

We arrived at the hospital a little early yesterday, thankfully, because we ended up driving around in the parking garage for 10 minutes before we finally gave up and just drove all the way to the top and parked!

        The procedure was scheduled for 12 but they asked that I arrive at 11 so they’d have plenty of time to fill my badder via IV since I couldn’t eat or drink anything on account of the anesthesia. They ended up not even calling me back until 11:20 so of course while I was worrying the whole time in the waiting room and as I laid there as they filled up my “bone dry” bladder. Finally I told the nurse that I was worried my little embryo was just sitting in the medium becoming weaker and weaker but I was told that wasn't the case at all and that it was fine and not to worry. It was such a humbling feeling knowing my embryo was just on the other side of the wall ❤️

       Finally, at around 12:30, I was taken back to the surgical room. I laid up on the bed and put my legs up in the leg holder things. They kept me covered the entire time until just before I slipped off to sleep. The last thing I said was , “good luck, Dr. Winslow!” I was out before I even heard his response. Lol!

       When I awoke, they told me the transfer went perfectly and that my little embryo had actually grown from a 4BB to a 5BB!!! I was so happy and proud to hear that! I laid in the bed thanking God for finally making this happen and told my embryo to get nice and comfy in there and that I would continue to give them a warm, safe, and happy home for the next 8 months. 

       Afterwards, I got the Chipotle Carnitas Bowl I was promised and then went home and slept off and on the couch for the remainder of the day. I had planned on getting up and being a little more active to keep my blood moving and pumping but I was so exhausted and couldn’t keep my eyes open at all! 

       Today I've felt a few little cramps and pulling-type sensations here and there but all hardly noticeable. Honestly, my heart is so full at just the thought of having our little embryo on board. ❤️❤️

I'm wearing my rainbow socks again today for good luck. 

Barry busted me in the closet...

         Okay, so it's officially the day before our transfer and I'M FREAKING OUT! I'm so excited that I get my baby on board tomorrow. I feel like I have been mentally preparing for this moment for almost a year and now that it's here I don't even know what to do with myself, 
         It feels strange typing this- almost as if the failed transfer never happened, as doubt never really crossed my mind at that time either. But that was a strange time. Covid still felt relatively new, Barry was severly unhappy about his job and we just talked about it daily. I just didn't feel right about that transfer from the very start so I'm happy and feel very blessed to feel empowered and positive this cycle. Its refreshing, ya know?

        So, back to why you're really here. Barry busted me... in the closet last night.... 

PRAYING! 

        After a particularly difficult night, shortly after hearing about the passing of our friend, I went into out master bedroom closet while Barry was giving Elle a bath, I closed the door behind me, dropped to the floor and prayed so hard for our friend's mourning wife and family and asked Him for help getting me thought it as well, without sacrificing my mental and physical well-being right before our transfer. I sobbed and prayed and sobbed some more. I finally allowed myself to grieve the way I knew I needed. Really, it was involuntary but I didn't stop it from happening; I just rode the wave. A few minutes later, I dried things up, washed my face, and felt completely restored almost immediately after. Honestly, it was the first time I had prayed in a while but that night I felt like had no where else to turn. I was completely beside myself with anxiety and anguish. Since that night, I've decided that the closet is my new sacred, quiet place. So while Barry was occupied bathing Elle last night, I proceeded to that said hallowed space. Where I could have those few hushed, uninterrupted moments.  That is... until he walked out into the living room looking for something and didn't see me. After he finally found me holed up in the closet, he told me he thought'd I'd been taken in the rapture. HAHAHA!!!😂
 Nope.. just hiding out, talking to Jesus. NBD.

          The few people that we have told keep texting and asking how I'm feeling.  
The side effects of the medications I'm taking are that of early pregnancy systems, believe it or not: So far the only side effect I'm experiencing is being bloated, tired, and a very sensitive, sore chest. Aside from that, I'm doing just peachy! Again, just very hopeful and excited to get my baby back tomorrow!!!