A TTC Milestone

I think, I reached a TTC milestone today. After learning today was cycle day 1, I didn't cry. It was the first time in 5 months that I didn't bawl my eyes out. Instead, I felt anger. Just an unexplainable umbrage. I felt an implosion of pure, passionate rage on the horizon but I swallowed it and continued getting ready for work. I could tell Barry was noticing my ill tempered attitude while we were making lunch in the kitchen together. I told him what was going on and he scooped me up and held my entire self in his arms. It was as if he had the wings of a bird and wrapped me all the way up. It was warm and I was content. I was safe from my emotions. My PMS was at bay for the moment and all was right with the world.
..........The ride to work was like a slow creep back into reality.
I guess I'm angry because I don't want to experience anymore of these "milestones." I just want it to be my turn already.

Why is my body betraying me?

This is Bullshit. Why the fuck is everyone pregnant right now but me? They didn't even try. They weren't even planning. They didn't already have an entire nursery theme picked out, or a birth plan and a hospital. It's not fucking fair.
(These are all of the awful things my brain is coming up with right now.)
I always knew it wouldn't happen for us. I always had a feeling in the back of mind. Since I was little, I've never imagined myself pregnant. I physically can't picture it. Therefore, it probably won't ever happen. It's just not meant to be.
I told Barry this morning that it's like having a job and working your ass off every day for 26 days and then at the end of the 26 days not getting paid. It isn't fair at all. I work so fucking hard for this. I keep track of everything my body goes through on a daily basis. Twice a day. I check CM.. AT WORK! Is it something I enjoy? NO. it's fucking awkward. And apprently its a waste of time. All of this is a big fucking waste of time.
I think I will give this another month and then we'll just stop trying. I mean really stop. Like, not even so much as thinking about it. Stop wanting it and all. The full nine yards. I can't keep putting myself through this. It's too much. I can't give something my all every day, month after month, and get nothing in return.
It's draining all of the happiness from me. I don't even feel alive anymore. I eat, sleep, and breath, to conceive. My brain is spinning. And the sex is going, going, almost gone as well.
This isn't what I wanted for us. This isn't the married life I'd envisioned. I'm twenty fucking four years old.
WTF?
Sometimes I'm in disbeielf of what I have. I have the most loving and caring person loving me back and taking care of me day after day. The cutest dog ever that people are actually jealous of. Two brand new vehicles in the driveway. A house that isn't huge, but it's ours and we live in it together. A job that pays well and treats me even better. And a few close friends that I would do anything for.
What more do I need?
That one tiny, screaming, shitting, smelly, adorable, giggling missing link in the chain.
If a family is a puzzle, he/she would be the missing piece.
Maybe Bentley ate it.
Lord, Is it because I smoke and drink? Am I unfit because I get mad easily sometimes? Do I have responsibility issues that need to be addressed first? Am I unfit for other reasons? Is it patience? Or lack thereof? Patience is a virtue. It's something one can't learn overnight.
Please just tell me what it is so I can work on it and fix it and move forward.

Why wasn't I warned that this was going to be hard?
And that is doesn't work out if you want it to.

I suppose I should  count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.