13 Attempts at writing the 'Learning to Live Without You' blog.

        I've actually lost count on how many times I've attempted to put this blog together. Each time I log in and begin writing I fall apart all over again. 

       It was Monday 08/10/20 at 2:36pm, one week ago, that I found out you were no longer a reality. That my body had rejected you even though my heart and soul had already willed you into existence. At first,after I hung up the call with the clinic, I felt nothing. In it's own defense, my heart went into flight mode and the only feelings I had were those of logic. And maybe a little bit of "don't touch me" and "I want to die." Barry and I hugged for a just a moment before I broke the restraint and told him that "I needed to get back to work. I just needed to work." An hour later, my eyes met his while he was standing in the kitchen and all actual feelings returned at once. I lost it. I audibly sobbed on the couch in his arms. I tried to come up with words to say to him and I had none; at least a simple, "I'm so sorry for our loss." But for almost the rest of the night, I just had nothing. 

       Over the last week I've done everything from try to talk myself into another round of minimal stimulation IVF to quickly and abruptly moving on and getting rid of everything I once held onto for you. I've tried so hard to "see the bright side" and be positive but I've been mostly mad and resentful instead. I'm mad that your room will now be made into something else even though I had all of your furniture and layout picked out already. I had your wall color picked out. I had already picked out first and middle names for you. I already had ideas of how we would tell Elle you were growing in my belly. I had already mapped out your entire first months at home with us and how we would adapt to your new and ever-changing schedule. What kind of bottles and paci's we'd use for you. I had already planned it all. I'm mad that Elle won't get to lay her little face on my belly and feel you moving around. I mad at the sibling bond she will now miss out on because you won't be here. I'm mad that I won't be able to have my chance at a less stressful birth experience with you. I mad that we won't be able to hold you and feel your soft and fuzzy baby skin against ours as we watch your face change from one emotion to the next while you snooze away on my chest. 

       How do I just move forward from this? I was supposed to be pregnant. I had already planned and expected this to be it. It was a finalized, done-deal. How is this now not a reality anymore? This is not how it was supposed to go.  One moment I feel like, "Hey! I've got this. I'm going to be okay." And then the very next, I find myself clenching an old receiving blanket or laying on the floor in Elle's room in a pile of her old bibs and baby clothes that I was saving for you, my face dripping tears and snot, while I ask the age old question of "why me? What did I do that was so bad to deserve this?" If I can't have children, why do I have such a strong yearning to carry another one? What do I do with all of this stuff now? The car seat, the baby lotions and shampoos and diapers, and toys? All of these things I saved for you; what do I do with all of this? It isn't mine to throw away. 

       And then of course I find myself thinking logically and scientifically while I vainly search for the actual answers of "why did this fail?". should I have been exercising? Was our embryo not of good enough quality? Would it have had issues had it developed? Or would the pregnancy have terminated at some point?  Was my body not healed enough from the surgery? My gut tells me it wasn't. After seeing my last period, I have a suspicion that there wasn't enough healthy tissue for the embryo to implant into. 

       I guess none of that really matters. I just wish I would have gotten more time with you, my sweet 5BB.. 

       I also have been thinking about how to move on and move forward. Would moving onto another IVF attempt take my mind off of everything? Would it be worth it? Obviously, if it resulted in a live birth, it would be. I just don't know at this point. It would probably take about a year to save up enough to go though a "minimal stimulation" attempt which would only be about half of the amount as our original round. But if it failed as well, that would be another year lost that we can't get back. Another failed round that I don't know if I could mentally go through again. Truth be told, I don't think I could do or say anything that would talk Barry into trying again no matter how badly I wanted it. 

       For the last 4 years, I've mentally written you into our future together. I've envisioned years worth and it all included you. From you and Elle playing together, to Elle helping to take care of you. And now my future feels like a book of empty pages. For 4 years another child, another happy and exciting pregnancy was a reality, practically a promise because we had you on ice, on the proverbial back burner and now it's all gone. You are entirely gone. For the past 5 years I've believed that God gave me two embryos because we were meant to have two children. I feel so blindsided, still by the call last Monday that I still find it hard to swallow. I've felt loss before; I've lost three pregnancies before this one, but this is by far the worst. You've been in our lives for 5 years and now you're not. There is not "bright side" of this. There is no, "Oh, you're young, you can just try again," or "you can just try IVF."  We are completely done and I didn't prepare at all for this. I'm not ready to be done. I'm not ready or willing to accept this right now. There a gaping hole in my heart where the prospect of you once resided and I'm not ready to just move on empty handed. I'm not ready to not try this again. I do not want to get through this or get better. I just want to be pregnant. I just want to be pregnant with you.

 What's so fucking wrong with that?

     

Zero

That is how much pregnancy hormone there is currently residing in my very unpregnant body. 

I will close out this blog once I collect my thought and can write them all out without crying. 

I feel like I have let down so many.  

Beta Test Day!!

        I cannot believe I've managed to not test in 5 day!! Today is the day I find out if that I'm pregnant!! After having my blood drawn this morning, I was told that I would received a phone call between 2 and 4 today and ever since noon, I've been mentally pacing. 

       I honestly feel so confident that this worked. My headaches are identical to those I had up until 20 weeks or so when I was pregnant with Elle, my chest has slowly become more and more sore over the past couple of days, the cramps, back aches, pelvic fullness feeling... I'm of course going to feel like an idiot if this all goes south in a couple of hours but these are real feeling that I've been experiencing and I'm so appreciative of them as they've gotten me through the past 5 days. 

       Anyways. I will post the results as soon as I get them. Stay tuned!!

End of 8dp5dt

       We are almost through the end of the 8th day past transfer and I’m feel good! I’ve been very crampy the past two days and have also had some back discomfort from time to time. I don’t know what to think of this next one but I woke up to a fullness feeling in my lower pelvic region that hasn’t gone away all day even!  I don’t know if these are all signs of pregnancy or impending doom but I’m taking it all hour by hour  and thanking God every single night for the hope and positivity He instills in me each day. Looking forward to finally getting the results on Monday! 

       One thing I go want to note is the progesterone shots, although don’t hurt at all during admission, are starting to hurt like hell several hours later and last for days now. Both of my hips have multiple knots in them even though I’ve been massaging the oil into the muscle after the shot. Everything I read was right.  These shots are no joke. 

       Will update the blog throughout the weekend if any other “symptoms” arise or vanish :) 

6dp5dt BFN

       Big FAT Negative.. I have no words. I'm hopeful one moment and I'm collapsing into a dark emotional state the very next. To elaborate, I've been pretty decent ever since the test this morning showed negative because I know I'm still not out, but I cannot help but think about the what ifs. What if this really doesn't work? What if we went through all of this for nothing? What if we owe all of this money to surgery bills for nothing. I've already convinced myself that this would work, that it HAS worked! I've had no doubt in my body or soul prior to yesterday. How are we supposed to move forward? We already decided this was it; no more IVF moving forward. Not that we could every afford it again any way. But how do you believe you're pregnant one day and find out that you're not the next? Obviously, I know the answer to this. People do it all the time. But I've worked too fucking hard for this and I still have so much fight left in me for this purpose! 

       Don't get me wrong, Elle is perfect and if she is the only baby I'm ever blessed with, I'm more than happy with that. I just truly don't feel like this story is over. There are more chapters to write and more to experience. Perhaps that comes in the form of very late positive pregnancy test or perhaps something else? I don't know. 

I don't know how to think or feel right now. Every single thought I have contradicts the one before it. It's exhausting. I'm mentally drained and overwhelmed yet still somehow at peace.

EDITED TO ADD:

       I think going forward, I'm going to try and refrain from any further testing and just absorb and enjoy every moment that I've been given with my little 5BB. Ignorance is bliss, and I'm done doing this to myself and everyone else around me, namely my husband.

 

       

5dp5dt - Shell Shocked

       I tested yesterday at 4 days past transfer and today at 5 day past transfer and I'm utterly shell shocked. Each test I've taken have been negative. I've stared and stared and stared at the tests for probably over an hour or so over the course of the last 48 hours, just trying to will them to be positive. Asking God in between to magically change what has already been done. Holding each test in all different directions, in all different shades of light in the house and outside hoping one will yield a different result. And nothing. They are the same, stark white test each time I look at them. 

       With Elle, I tested at 4dp and it was positive- albeit extremely faint.  5dp was also very faint. 6dp it was finally was dark enough to where I could take a photo of it and didn't have to tweak the color and exposure to be able to see the second line on the pregnancy test. 

       Yesterday, after quietly testing and not even telling Barry until last night (ONLY because he asked) I was fine all day. I knew it was still super early and I knew we still had plenty of time. Most people who test after a frozen embryo transfer don't get a positive until around 6-8 days post transfer. Sometime they don't implant until even later than that, which is why my clinic won't even run a blood test until 12 days past that transfer!  So logical me knows that it's still very early. 

       Here's how it works: After the transfer of a 5-day old embryo, implantation typically happens around 1-3 day later. After that, it still take a couple of days for a pregnancy test to turn positive because the body has to build a certain detectable level of HCG (Pregnancy hormone) to show up on a home pregnancy test.

       Again, I know that I'm not "out" yet, but today I was overcome by doubt and grief over the possible loss and/or non-existence of my sweet, sweet embryo. I couldn't even fake it. Everyone I've talked to today has heard it in my voice and almost all of them have asked me what was wrong. I was hardly strong enough to even lie and tell them, "nothing." My voice crackling each time I did so. I knew I couldn't hold it together to tell them the actual "what was wrong with me". And truth be told, I felt silly for testing and being upset anyways. I told stressed to Barry last night when he asked when we could test, " Barry we can test tomorrow but DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED OR DISHEARTENED IF IT'S NEGATIVE. IT'S STILL SO EARLY!!" And what did I do, I completely fucking fell apart over my negative test!! 

       Something that really resignated with me this morning was when Barry told me, "Babe, nothing about this process has been easy. NOTHING! Why would the testing be any easier?"

He's absolutely right. That really kind of put everything into perspective for me. I wish I had the will power to not test anymore and just live blissfully unaware but I can't now that I've already tested. And I'm much too weak not to at this point. All I can go is pray for the strength to possibly see another negative test or two in the meantime or pray that there just won't be anymore negative test to live through altogether. 

I think it's worth noting too, that all of my "symptoms" have vanished since Saturday morning. No more cramps (only occasional) and only a slightly sore chest, which oddly seems like it may be getting a little sorer this afternoon but ever since Saturday, it has dramatically decreased from how it was which was VERY painful to almost nothing. I know that things change from pregnancy to pregnancy. and I know that "symptoms" can come on and drop off at a moments notice and it all can mean absolutely nothing. I've read many girls having no symptoms at all, but with their first pregnancy, they had every symptom in the book from day one of their embryo transfer and they cried all throughout their two week wait until the blood work confirmation only to find out they were pregnant. Everyone is different and every pregnancy is different. I know these things and I believe these things. So why is it so hard to be positive again like I was before all of these negative tests?!

EDITED TO ADD:

       One last thing I'd like to mention was that going into this, I told myself, "Candace, this Embryo is graded slightly below Elle, so it may not implant as soon as Elle did." I don;t know why I just remembered and thought of this but it's brought me a lot of comfort and resolve ever since, so I figured I'd throw it up on the blog :) Not all hope it lost.

2dp5dt

       2 days post transfer and I feel like it’s been a lifetime already. I’ve been over thinking and over analyzing every little cramp and twinge since last night. I’m trying to remain strong and not take a home pregnancy test because I know if I do, it’ll be negative this early on and if it’s negative it will inevitably and undoubtedly KILL me. Hopefully I can remain strong and resist the urge throughout the weekend. 

       Currently, my “symptoms” are: crampy off and on, with painful pinchy type feelings directly behind my public bone, which I had with Elle, so naturally, I’m extremely hopeful and happy about! And I still have a VERY sore Chest which at this point is probably just related to the Progesterone Medication. I’m also feeling more tired than normal but again, it’s probably medication related. 

       I still feel incredibly hopeful and positive! I just wish it were time to take a test! I’m ready to pee on a freaking stick already!